I was confined in the attic for the exact three years before I was able to see the outside world again.
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They let me. But mother warned me about one thing. That if I ever did what I did three years go, she'll throw me away in a place that no one will never know. She's keeping her eyes on me. She's just around, watching me like I was some kind of a prisoner at a dungeon who'll do crimes.
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Seeing the light again outside the house, I feel like going back to the attic. It's no different from being there with my mother's stares around. The maids and the knights were surprise to see me. All they've known was I was at my grandfather's at the other town to take care of him, but little did they know was they know nothing at all. I was there at the most miserable part of the house.
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I saw Magnus. We cried. People around us thought it was tears after a long separation. But no, it was a cry of helplessness and despair. A longing.
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"I missed you, sis," Magnus whispered.
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"I've always miss you too."
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He's grown up. And one day, he'll be able to grab the Barony's treasures, assets, and properties. My only mission was to not get in that way, with the same mistake I did in the past. Well for them it was a mistake.
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Estelle stayed with me to be my personal maid. Mother has allowed her. I guess that's the only thing my mother did that I liked.
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"Is the water too warm, Miss?" Estelle asked, having to prepare my bath.
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I dip the palm of my hand in the tub. "It's alright."
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She smiled, it's a warm smile she's always given me.
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I didn't smile back. Not because I didn't acknowledge everything she did, but because I have a hard time pulling the corners of my mouth to beam.
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It's like it's hard. Maybe someday I'll be able to lift the corners of my mouth again and not think of every agony I've experienced.
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But for now, I don't think I could.
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I turned my head to the window before letting the white and long curtains fall to cover it from the inside. Now I'm seeing the green trees and how the flowers wither from here. It blooms earnestly. It's beautiful.
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And with the gasped of time, three months has passed.
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It's autumn. It's the time of the year when the dry and brown leaves fell from the branches, when the surroundings has the same colors of the tree, when every single person has the urge to travel in every town and the plaza will be filled with noise again.
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When the festival will occur.
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I turned away my stares outside the window and left my chamber. When I walk down the stairs and went at the living room, I saw Estelle writing at the piece of paper. She's writing a letter.
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"For whom was that?" I asked. She gasped and turned to look.
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"Miss, almighty, please don't just appear like that," She seemed frightened.
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"I apologized,"
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She shake her head and sighed. "I-It's fine, Miss. And---I'm just writing letters to send to my family."
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My eyebrows furrowed. "But there's two enveloped there."
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"Ah, t-that's---how do I explain this? I'm still writing letters for both of my mother and brother, and the other enveloped was for my father. I don't know whether I did tell you this, but my father now works at the Dukedom of Clayton, at Duke Percival's mansion, Miss,"
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Hearing her say those words and that name, I was weak for a matter of time. I never would've thought of someone mentioning that title and name to me anymore.
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But Estelle doesn't know anything. She just knows that I had an affair with some noble, but she doesn't know who that is. I never bothered about answering, though she never bother about it asking.
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My eyes fell on the floor. "I see, so that's it then?"
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"Yes, Miss..."
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"What work is your father has?"
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"He's a servant there, Miss, All around, as long I can guess..."
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I was silent for a minute before turning around to get back to my chamber.
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And just like what I did every single day, I thought of him.
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I wonder what's he doing now, or he's thinking about me too? The last time I saw him, I tore his heart to pieces.
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It's been three years, and I have heard no news of him. Not even a single whisper of his name from Magnus. I thought I could know about him now that I'm freed.
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All those years at the attic, I only thought about what could've been. I breakdown every midnight. I was in agony when I woke up and he's the first thing who comes up to my mind.
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I longed to see his figure, I longed to feel him again, but all I could do was to restrain myself and keep this desires together hidden.
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It hurts, but I had to keep going. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to move forward and forget about everything that has happened. It's hard and I still don't know how to start.
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I stared at the ceiling while laying on my bed and close my eyes.
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It's like I'm carrying a big thing in my chest, it's hard to breathe. Hard to speak, hard to move, but easy to cry.
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And even if I tear hard and loud enough, I couldn't get it out of me. It stays. And it will, I know, for a long time.
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