[Darkness.]
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB1j2mfMsRA
[Brightness. White hospital light. A generic student accommodation. ROXIE sits at the generic table in the corner of a generic kitchen. She is listless.]281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqO8lnOZnWZ
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseRTjADjSh
ROXIE:281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFm0Cv7v2W2
I am new here. Hallo. My name is Roxie. I only came out a few months ago so maybe I should also say that my name before was Rian. My dad is a counsellor and he says that I should tell people what my old name was so that they can know me better.
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7zDnYvGln
But I bet that's bullshit. Anyway. Here I am. Here is me. There are three stools in this kitchen for the three of us who will live in this apartment here. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKEGhm88IK
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHIWorMdWbO
But none others have yet arrived so, yeah, just, me. But that's okay. I can be my own best entertainer. The girlie I met in the train told me that if my family don't support me, then I must leave them and the friends I make here will become my new family. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIawNPpSLL
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGBdVfjhjh
That's true enough I suppose. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRTiOQVgJg
[ROXIE stands up from the table and walks over to the kitchen window and stares out of it to the other blank, generic accommodations across the road. She is, again, listless to the most extreme.]
ROXIE:
This isn't who I thought I would turn out to be...
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGmjDMaS8oZ
But who do I talk to? Why speak aloud?281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0xpMWBvOS
Pause.281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4RoWWT13w
But of course I know why. I do. I do. I do. The longer that the echo between speech lasts the more I am forced to sit and listen. So I must get it all out. Every bit of it, however ugly. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhov1ijI5W
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hiEBIOR8O
But it's still hard, you know? Just because my dad's a psychotherapist and I understand what I am to do, it doesn't make it any easier. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFwDL7binu
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXdcKiXlSH
But I will try. Because, frankly, what else is there to do?281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0dykd6eti
Pause.281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm8gOqVqFM
I started watching porn videos when I was twelve years old. Was it then or when I don't know that I became an addict. When did it switch from a once to a constant. It was an echo-chamber of madness and dark intentions. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNzZ4FyNnu
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAds8XEG1Qx
Sometimes I wonder if my own mental state now is a result of that. I wonder if I'm all wrong. I wonder if this is normal, to be doubting your own existence. I wonder if this is all just an after effect of my own upbringing. I wonder a lot of things.
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHNt8eTfVv
Because, perhaps, yeah, perhaps I am real. And I am me. And perhaps I can trust my head and perhaps I can safely say, Yes. I am me. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0w2zmzszPo
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDTPRFGoS1
But I can't just make all of those other thoughts go away at once. How could I? I'm not a superhero...281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzxnwKB5NI
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdiFCpzrWiy
Or would it be a super-heroine? 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPjKVsoLIU
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1bAqHwLWf
I'm kind of comfortable with all the really awful feminine stereotypes. Dumb blondes, bimbos, damsels and dames. It doesn't really bother me. If anything, it makes me feel better that I might not over act. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5r64yHKsc
Pause.281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMVWRS6X9l
"Act" It isn't acting as a woman. I am a woman and I am me and I know I must be. What I meant was when I am in public and trying to pass as cis. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVF8fHhSXB
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaWVEBXKWC
[During this pause, ROXIE turns away from the window and makes her way over to the fridge. It is dull and generic. She goes to open it, stops herself, and then opens it.]281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AxwJ6CE8v
ROXIE:
But the night will soon be over, thank God. And I will soon lose consciousness. I will soon lose all ability to think and overthink about all my shortcomings and long stretches alone. I look forward to sleep. I look forward to when everything is set in stone, when it's all black and white, when I'm no longer an addict, when I don't get hungover and have a license and can stay within my waist goals and everything is perfect. But until then. I must sleep.
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PJrC67EtN
[During the pause, ROXIE gradually sinks down onto floor and curls into a ball.]281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM264F1bJBK
Pause. 281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrqloEdTac
[Darkness.]281Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAMCDhRPRT
