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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90JBtYUuaO
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXLYQ2Ynw8
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xGTXnV98g
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLhhvyhJeI
Hmm... 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCmRw0mvHp
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡANfB4sDMhT
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8pDm1y5SX
"You can have have all the adult toys."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOae48J58H
Except for the pecker enhancer!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zb4cRJyTS
"That's all I need..."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJs2hY9SNZ
"Wait!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rRiw2bOaw
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QtcV6R43j
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tAU107Nwh
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLECuDciAM
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1W9Q2CJOEV
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFrQHOXN1x
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuW3t7drKu
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWcLFP0n7U
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FepWE9IJq
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYOMJBO3fa
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSutGwT7Gm
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYA4yqaqET8
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4VBAc5Fw5
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aTBEVGGHu
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBrPXnTf7a
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmhD47vYkt
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxKJjpfGh6
(Sarah laughs)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlUPF8dhNI
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QGPSSxe22
"Gosh Darn!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVXsXf6dCS
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14J0C1nv9A
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwl0WNz3ODj
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN7MQd18aq
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWObOSF5fl
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjYrJchb8T
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkj6LW1wGEo
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzG0ewuY1qs
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL919DlfDS7
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqO6ZMCEzsz
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPeY2qQPGl
(Sarah says what)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFmDLiWbg1
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Rr0pBbOph
(he laughs and Sarah winks)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiz7q8zw13
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8dDjMY2cH
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzAzm7gImjw
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMq0wZt8sz
(Keith laughs hard)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiVe9hWx7a
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWowIgU6goX
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEhv56ofH3
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSraIQqxfB
Honey,383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡntyNwAFmb7
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnezNEVNaHC
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhjs7pXeyZ
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgVRrCQRkb9
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8iJbamu2z3
Keith says,383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmO4UjKL15
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyyYVOOCaS
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HXbFg175x
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJR1UYshU9K
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPKLlACuhJ
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7WRgmgx85
"Ground beef!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrAvLqKrZwo
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMosVvHfuL
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNYoQK5gfWH
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzEE1q451V
Lawsuits.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN3syZX3td
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLShv4jRut
Keith's friends knew him as the 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIE6p2wITis
Clown Jester of Bakersville.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvq0RYcYdY
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGnyItP5w2
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQ1XC2NGnt
Because he was so outstanding in his field!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3mUNwnF4t
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvaQpTZzOw
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LJb26Kvw3
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7NQSFaskA
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTyaEPRXpI
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrywxQO319
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcnZn6cSMs
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFlwivx9LR
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIvWSpJu0W
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡatZbutZEzW
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfCCZTZ7cN
Having heard them all before, many times.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4KDG8O9nu
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6j6WxgYUc
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45NGBIOFLD
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWPRtWzTuO
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLoVxQjGD0
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡym6sHDOVrU
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7h0wFMjHu
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡazAYQK5mzv
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WkQTEGWDF
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhi89IWGkH
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIIORY0g2Rj
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNmgEkNDmg
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbMOHZTzgu
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ovFSJkbIL
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2u2eJvcY6M
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgNrsQsjlq
(audience chuckles)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOF9vcxyEbd
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SIvPYOfZg
I haven't heard from him since.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxVN9mD2uJ
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4Dt4WB4uu
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9u5ppeUt8
(audience laughing)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZmK5ApBS9
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvR400y6qQK
She still isn't talking to me.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKceVRsihq
(Keith smiles)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwb0SzxpA8r
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtmyai3Xcx
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJr52AlkzG
but I am on the fence!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80YQYxzgab
(audience laughing hard)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20N6rvyLw5
[He gets on a roll]383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmnsvj9S74
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAQOEUBJaz
She gave me a hug!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xYkHpa0fs
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdIwJGCotLZ
Hey!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DBhJPm0Qs
What is the worst combination of illnesses?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PHS5QQMoJ
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAOL0ik26w
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPr84RnZpX
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJY0j0NBjD7
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡib0RSlY7DB
How do you get a squirrel to like you?383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9yPNPdmCK
Act like a nut.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUe8AAv3i9
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASIKUjMyIM
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzhonN62Fp
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3SMCTkxEA
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh64l1muufU
So I Left.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblHG4ZsS16
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlkvb7B2Ow
"The steaks were pretty high!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡompAdf3KeB
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mNyvt7UrQ
Goodnight!"383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZ1J1pqL0D
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpZxwxGXfv
He went home happier383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8eMFC2qua
than he ever
Dreamed!383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypCLGX3ACi
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dd9cy1nSd
© Charles Kemp
ns3.147.103.209da2
