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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmADVczdCSD
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuz9VshiGP9
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAVArIYYotR
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXDscSE4OJz
Hmm... 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ79dDevCjSL
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaWClJTcfYa
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpMieFiDKi
"You can have have all the adult toys."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyo5hFOP33e
Except for the pecker enhancer!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEX5eBMwDn
"That's all I need..."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Gr8ajMRvY
"Wait!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14DJaTnGJ0
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hmOkaRq76
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQotH9woxJN
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTAH0UEesV
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1xXZsXKkg
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhL9XBDTyE
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlginYDwsrK
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHos63IwABR
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuH8qbVwrD
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRq4ZdvLxw2
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6EvqEPQbw
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2989rm3e9R
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5tSlSkTP3
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggydgqEwpy
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhaRxSs74V
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MbzS6O7Cu
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2poeFUxw8
(Sarah laughs)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVzzbuEM0a
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8qBIBcXmU
"Gosh Darn!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaMmKFMrVbw
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqw7u0oqBgA
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELDCfpHPXJ
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAX1FDDE2j
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7o2v6ocIh
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWmgTe5WOR
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UAvP3kCx0
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6HE6J92Ta
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ50ssNgZYfn
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofSJJ6I5Dn
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQauzFWoDk
(Sarah says what)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cmrB5dBSZ
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2D4ApRYi6y
(he laughs and Sarah winks)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMGABP9hFL
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXvcrmlCZq
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnDHdcCiUB
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRJjskLSpq
(Keith laughs hard)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cVTckUBdg
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGeYBmUjDez
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP80afbjsbf
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjXaOMcIGr
Honey,384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJW9spsqQsk
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEaPH6QGHe
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxXJAYMks2
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWp9J7U50v
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuY2E0Al1R
Keith says,384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qj0E9b9An
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMp3fSPYA7
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpLBgRRzbZ
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujyIoRGzSk
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaS3KZ6zbT
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBV3HmuzaV
"Ground beef!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkEKWB9ZoY
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8iP6kvVuj
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIPWe0boIR
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNsJ6kxT2G
Lawsuits.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVEIMhvsdy
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2y0DglH0r
Keith's friends knew him as the 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpKngNd1cK
Clown Jester of Bakersville.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AXqQ0ua0f
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qdxnrD1e8
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDb64dXkV61
Because he was so outstanding in his field!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbD1khxLEL
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQzSpIozmZ
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtOKCKEuf9O
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKZQMZlqQ7
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeACIfDfDnl
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eOnCMGqBf
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQmZpUTjk6
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8x0rEUh4S
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXHupyyIJm
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xf3ChjCDA
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3GiTh3uwo
Having heard them all before, many times.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6cC9k2Q5jB
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2D7ImWCKR
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKWtJWmdEh
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTZspPFZPV
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2h6s5vZ3h
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fxH9hpTtn
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESQPLQ3keZ
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOtrRjo0nCS
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyajRyrzsfh
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtVBPkrCrJ
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYanUrCUo8p
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XN3UQoWgf
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8x7wlLcGsY
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOZEqMoMUO
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJEjTpihXT
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NAOtrOWNu
(audience chuckles)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpux5a2080Z
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkh8PNRplmf
I haven't heard from him since.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFpvh6nYnW
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4LdW2FM41
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgheI0aftJm
(audience laughing)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcinJbdvBR
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZVHqyjAB3
She still isn't talking to me.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2qzfHCg8N
(Keith smiles)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDURQz74J7
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQ6lAGqsae
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbp4haCxvV
but I am on the fence!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6dl1EIoRek
(audience laughing hard)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyV8eUrWC9V
[He gets on a roll]384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92BcydCcJd
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaqPrwwMUM
She gave me a hug!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFkM7G4kGu
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdjr0MfUaX
Hey!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqMs4APpEm
What is the worst combination of illnesses?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5Y7AW6A1u
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJZhu6Bz0w
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hffbER5sT
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD969n6L2aB
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU02kG73qn5
How do you get a squirrel to like you?384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWaSmvXFoA
Act like a nut.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYsl8c7n2M
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡae47kRRzRh
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpeYBVxXiE
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdSUCgwGVP
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLEFE4b4xi
So I Left.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsM2ZBRxPVi
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01m6azzXjP
"The steaks were pretty high!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6465U7wkK
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJhhYaRFtm
Goodnight!"384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CT0t0azmA
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hPQmZkXAX
He went home happier384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgAudhTlRt
than he ever
Dreamed!384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXVtgLxWcR
384Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWN6GVfsxQ
© Charles Kemp
ns18.216.188.79da2
