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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLkbee6ZBA
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQGmnvXiKx
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLAob54Bqv
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyFUwvv3Mk
Hmm... 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlCThZW6ks
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIYQPJAQww
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSKycir3PU
"You can have have all the adult toys."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhb5KC1SUwJ
Except for the pecker enhancer!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYAoLgSCSa
"That's all I need..."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHdQuDCesq
"Wait!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOa5Gk425hs
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9AOPWxQum
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZguflqmIh
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRMx2VBLbn
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFMmkT70ai
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNzql5lkOJ
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMH0IAfSkFB
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dRdCFtfyW
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFn83fCvsqC
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYDlYX7SNP
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXntAh6IuD
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVxB4k1sZI
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFifuoIGqNd
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtLBccv0ES
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVE6znFqqgJ
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3jnjQvAtO
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡol7PBAD7n5
(Sarah laughs)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeD3eam3PPY
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xAvwDdChh
"Gosh Darn!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCI9kKa2RyT
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAEDYyj1gi
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWZMJCAagf
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4JJYFZCDr
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZX8qy2M7F8
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssNgCKQNfG
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBPjZT6gJ8
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7LJklv3gp
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4PaeTnkfZ
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraBEs2R0OB
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTK8HvGLru
(Sarah says what)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qhXzZY89e
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eCZYzxiiZ
(he laughs and Sarah winks)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgqNO94o6k
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NcfwuasV5
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWilUrLrFS
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SY471CzDT
(Keith laughs hard)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniXSoSedBU
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7rwesJ7oy
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnRk4a6bFi
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyqXrlwvoy
Honey,492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNnHHJlgLd
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOI1ShoZkCN
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HgBzzvBDG
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFI6F2tKRu
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMj6m6AbRS
Keith says,492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWpYqo4HlBa
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufGR4D6nHC
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLL85zOzdN
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8qolOH4kyN
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvv0rTsH7iD
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwdBUifewy
"Ground beef!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Odk1zxrsU
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEnyY4NEOj
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQVNBAyeLn
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Wm8GgN24r
Lawsuits.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4G6NzPaGQ
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFkGxcxYb7
Keith's friends knew him as the 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDsdcCbsKq
Clown Jester of Bakersville.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesZ4r1e2Ze
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOl5m39YIe2
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfkHRmzmv7
Because he was so outstanding in his field!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmEfrHN0TR
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AP563EqHU
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnRht69aYi
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFa3fiLRRe
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvw29lbVo44
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dxBYyINeU
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7NnDZrXYq
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsHDeC0sBu
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgnXCuQOLI
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0B1G0iGtwt
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0injZgbjLf
Having heard them all before, many times.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDmLICaNg0
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt6Idd906D
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qNykVJWVH
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYwW7NBiQL
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWbSFJJhzX
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRa5yedSgJ
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXsyBv65Os
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2NEEZjANo
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tQe9GM7Uj
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYd0mvfZJJ5
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSojC2uGHnZ
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfgOXgAPv8
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDJaYPkUda
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRXR9rdQk6
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmLrMU813k
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbjjIOjgdZ
(audience chuckles)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8YgKVh0MB
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbBMnFNXaS
I haven't heard from him since.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczW3fnw4ME
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoztat22xR
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8v9d62mrp
(audience laughing)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOESqxlfK1v
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqTOEjD4uM
She still isn't talking to me.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAuNnTX9uJ
(Keith smiles)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ENKSWtiya
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhDXxxlYhT
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEuc9Kxg9j
but I am on the fence!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVlyeLh8sv
(audience laughing hard)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZwyHeASvn
[He gets on a roll]492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Vflm7t1by
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzWn7blLVk
She gave me a hug!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKUE7Qqqy4l
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GqwYKhiqA
Hey!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdVxTLAptd
What is the worst combination of illnesses?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZbbCtWW6D9
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLliLwe0tC9
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekyPNaIIPs
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQARYbvC3AO
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPK7Ht1BCKa
How do you get a squirrel to like you?492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GByeNm3SW
Act like a nut.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SD3NF3Tjz
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxez8UTfGVR
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbuxIxBziw
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaVQEEwBDR
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmRfBVxmAb
So I Left.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuDpELBccq
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1h3pqC1dS
"The steaks were pretty high!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgS6eQmYa7r
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9fQtsOPo3g
Goodnight!"492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgch6dRPFGb
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdexEwcMX8
He went home happier492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FDtz7t3g5
than he ever
Dreamed!492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznPU1NlEuh
492Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8i5xHMUro
© Charles Kemp
ns216.73.216.219da2
