立鏡前翻好領子,拍兩下外套上不存在的皺褶,拿好包,穿上皮鞋,出門上班。
夜幕高掛,連街上路燈都靜下來,開門,鑰匙掛好牆上,脫下皮鞋,穿著襪子進入舒適圈前一步,習慣地在看一眼立鏡前的自己。
「死氣沉沉的灰色。」嗤之以鼻地輕語。
「不是單純地討厭這顏色,嗯,第一次穿正裝的時候還是挺興奮的,屁孩一個,像剛嘗到地一口菸的毛頭小子、第一次打耳洞的中二少年,覺得人都因為自己的蠢蛋舉動而昇華了一樣。」
雙手不曾因自言自語而停下,已經撩起的袖子,俐落地處理食材,撕掉超市打折的吊牌,蔬菜洗淨、切塊,白飯塞進微波爐後,扭動瓦斯爐的控制鈕,藍橘色的文火上架上炒鍋,滋滋地炒菜、加入肉片,帶食材都炒熟,裝上白瓷的盤子,取出加熱完成的白飯,托著食具、隨意地叼著筷子,將晚餐放上茶几後便盤腿席地而坐。
終於可以坐下,靜下來,似乎整個家都變得少了活氣,掛在衣架的西裝外套,燈心絨的面料,不突兀,是在路上會讓人不禁覺得自家衣櫃好像似曾相識的感覺。
「從灰色燈心絨料質的西裝開始,三年後我買了下了背後這張灰色布面的沙發,再半年是黑色敞亮的茶几,再之後是白色磁磚的地面,曾幾何時,三十年的舊屋變成我理想中鄉的模樣。」
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只有,這個理想裡,有個異物。
是什麼時候出現的呢?大概,是我剛搬來的時候。
她也不是一直在,第一次的相遇,不會忘記,是在陽台。是個陰天,烏雲密佈,卻怎麼都沒下雨,濕氣讓舊屋潮濕得難以忍受,那天我剛好休假,無奈之下正想去陽台透氣。
一個毛茸茸蹲著的背影,一米的圍欄一半不到,以為是鄰居小孩正打算搭話,那一團站了起來,身高只比圍欄高一個頭。些許是意識到自己,她雙手插兜,回眸。
她並非濃妝艷抹,但叼著香煙的手,塗著亮眼的指彩,眉尾的眉釘仍然宣示著與我不同的換日線。
她兩指夾著離嘴的菸,吐出的煙霧裡,她輕快地說:「你好呀,天氣真好,是吧。」
「呃,這天氣隨便問一個人都不會說是好天氣吧?」
然,滿頭的疑問沒有忘記保護自己的本能,故,我沒有針對她的發言提出質疑。
嬌小的少女,打個噴嚏,拉好外套,毛外套顯得寬鬆可愛,裡頭橙色的毛衣像火焰,襯得面容朝氣蓬勃。
從那匆匆一撇,似是種下不解的緣,不只一次在陽台遇上吞雲吐霧的她,只要是陰天,她似乎都在。鮮明如她,橙色、黃色、綠色,有時也染上跳色的頭髮,意外發現連眉釘有時也換成金色、粉金色。
她說:「我叫瑤,聽是美玉、光明的意思。」
一個月裡四五次陽台偶遇,瑤遠比我第一印象的要博學,大約是頭腦很好的那類人。
漫無目的的有搭沒搭的對話,像菸上忽明忽滅的星火,我的收獲是一堆不需要的知識,她身上濃濃的中二不良風,卻個性意外地好相處;瑤她說想去南極生定居,但是似乎對極光沒什麼興趣;她絕對是個老菸槍,明明都抽一樣的菸,但卻還是會被菸嗆到;她不愛吃魚,可是很會用筷子,可以分出香魚的解剖圖的程度;她似乎至少35歲了,但是外觀卻像少女,縱軸、橫軸都是。
總之,瑤是個有很大反差的人,什麼發言都不會讓我意外了。
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一天,瑤說:「很多動物的毛皮都是灰色的,像狼、哈士奇、企鵝,看到牠們蓬鬆的毛皮就有種很溫暖的感覺。你說,你覺得灰色是暖色還是冷色?」
看著似乎認真地思考著的瑤,我不由自主地憶起想了會,答道:「應該是冷色吧,讓人感到沉穩的顏色。」
「你是說灰色是很讓人安心的顏色,不過比起寒冷,溫暖的感覺應該更能讓人覺得有安全感。」
輕敲菸頭,大塊的煙灰被抖下,可以看到瑤抿著的菸一下短了好大一節,直到她抽完整支菸,原本以為她會發表更多見解,然,她只是一下下滾動喉頭,專注地吞著灰茫茫的雲。
菸蒂被按在她陽台的琉璃盤。
她噘嘴,向著陰鬱的天空吐出一個個完美的煙圈。
很完美的圓。
我不禁跟著她的目光,看著小小的圈,逐漸飄遠,逐漸擴大,直到被微弱的風吹散,連影都找不到。
因為注意力被煙圈吸引,我沒看到瑤一瞬間變得空洞的眼神。
瑤最終說:「其實顏色中黑、白、灰色屬於中性色,可以應用在任何的冷暖色系,增添調色給人的感觸、白些凸顯輕盈、暗些增添踏實、亮些顯得熱情、暗些顯得靜默、光明象徵積極、夜幕藏著頹唐。」
瑤開心地笑著,像個小孩,摸摸髮上糖果色的發卡,要喝地伸個懶腰,就像曬飽太陽的貓,全身無不舒坦。
「我回啦,掰掰。」
剩下自己在陽台,吹吹風,思緒隨意延伸、發散。
我的藝術細胞沒那麼好,只有看著舒服與否的差別。中性色,白點就會輕盈,黑點就是沉重,白色和黑色就像是一個象限的兩個極端,而這個世界裡有多少事情可以用極端以解釋得通?
茫茫人海,純粹的神早就已離去,留下的,大概就是擁擠的,無所是從的灰色的世界。
灰色於我,是我隱身於人群的毛皮,頂著日出去上班,再披著夜色回家。不顯眼也不隨便,連悲喜都顯得無足輕重,適合渺小在這個社會裡的我。
之後,我都沒再見到瑤。雖然是萍水相逢,除了她叫瑤外一無所知,更是除了陽台,我沒在小區其他和她相遇過。
依然上班、下班,忙碌、疲憊、但也充實著自己,空蕩蕩的屋子添上茶几、沙發、電視、多肉植物、也很少的偶爾置放一些鮮花、擺飾。
電視螢幕裡喋喋不休的播報,白熾燈泡死白的照明,茶几上的殘羹為死寂的空間點上了人間煙火味。
或許,染上灰色是生存下去的必然,在這世界底下打滾,怎麼能保持純粹的黑白,灰色的毛皮與自己早已無法分割,灰色是中性色,離我而去的信仰,也留給我嘗試點染這個世界的自由。
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穿好皮鞋出門,隨手打開信箱裡,是張明信片,土氣的防寒衣裡我就有直覺是她,正包圍著、與最喜歡的企鵝合照。
ns3.21.33.186da2