The Second Weight of a Dream: Collapsing Skies - A Dream from the child of “god”. (To Death in Love)

I like college. At least I think I do? The first semester wasn't that bad and my neighbors are ok I guess. It took me a little longer than most to figure out, but studying to be a doctor kinda really sucks. I dont think it's for me at all. I feel I'm working more than most to just get a passing grade, and I like other stuff more. What I really like is teaching. It's honestly nice to help kids and maybe give them a good chance at life. But It's scary to think about what my mom told me, “You're gonna be a doctor and lead the company into the future in medical technology.”

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It’s not that I don't want to help people but I think I have my own way of helping others, like teaching! It feels like I’m stuck tho, I know damn well that she would be utterly disappointed if I told her what I really wanted to do. For now I might just roll with it, maybe, mom is always going about expressing her excitement for my future.

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It has to do with my body, I was born with my sex being fluid, it changes from time to time and it's hard to hide. For a few days to weeks at a time my voice is soft and high one day, then another day I'm speaking in a low and hard tone. I grow breasts and sometimes it's a combination of both, changing at least every two weeks. My mind tells me im this, but my body doesn't match that. I’ve struggled with it alot and I’ve lived with it for a long time, but people don't help. I’ve tried joining the queer body society on my campus but even many of them don’t like the idea of my body while many fetishize me. The constant changing is exhausting, it's depressing. Recently it's been impossible to see myself as a person.

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I’m not very picky with what people’s bodies say they are, I just like people. I fell in love with someone, he was also a medical student and while his colleagues were weird around me. He treated me as if the rumors didn't exist and so we would talk for hours on end going out for food and talking about ourselves. I believed that he truly loved me for me, whatever I was anyways. Who knew someone could be so smart and kind, they taught me lots about the world and cultures I had no idea of. How could I be so stupid? Who knew I had that many tears in me.

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A semester would pass then 2 years have gone by until I noticed. The signs were there the whole time, I just didn't want to see them. I caught him collecting my hairs for DNA and I brushed off his remarks about my body, how much he liked to look at it and the way he grabbed me. I caught him with someone else one day, is that how much my heart is worth? My world silently collapsed. He never knocked or called, I doubt he ever saw the “true me”, he only ever saw my body. I couldn't speak anymore, it was difficult to eat, or even breathe. I didn't go out anymore, I stopped doing classwork and just laid in bed not knowing what to do with myself. The frustration that my body gave me was horrific, I clawed at my skin. He couldn't love me because of my body, I never chose to be born this way! I could destroy this lamp, this shelf, this wall, this body, myself. I didn't want to be in this body, I couldn't live in this body anymore. I was so cold, my body, that used to love feeling so much warmth had got cold, I was lonely again.

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I wish I was nothing. I felt nothing. Months would pass.

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I want to…

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I want to be happy again, despite what people think…

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I worked up the strength and washed my face, still in my pj’s I got up and into my car.

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I was still very depressed but I drove to the park. It was the beginning of spring, the brown leaves scattered the ground, while the bigger trees leaves grew for shade. It was chilly enough that most people didn't want to be at the park so I was mostly alone. The pond was clear, the ducks swan and squirrels ran up trees. I found a bench near the edge of the water away from anyone. The sky was bright blue with some puffy clouds spread about, it was a beautiful day.

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Against my better judgment I was able to smile, It felt good to smile. I want to be happy again.

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But why?

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Is it possible for someone like me to be happy? In a world where only our bodies matter? This life where I live with a body like this? I loved him with all I am, in hopes he would love me back.

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I want to keep living.

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I want to feel that happiness again…

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Why did I want him to love me back, so badly anyway?

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I hid behind the warmth he gave me, It validated me. I'm afraid of what I really am. I never loved myself.

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It's my body that I hate, because it has shaped my mind so. I never understood my body very well, not to mention myself.

………

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……….

………

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I can't control the way I was born, the feelings inside me nor what my body does. But I can learn more about myself, no matter how others look at me. I should be proud of myself, because I’m all I have.

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I’m here, still alive, even without half my heart.

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I’ll probably always have this hole in my heart, but I hope one day my heart may outgrow it.

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I cried and cried beneath the cold beautiful sky, I was happy yet afraid of what might be within me.

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A Dream from the child of “god”. (To Death in Love)

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