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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nDKUzoPVQ
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKNtpALxS2
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4ZJAyuIJ2
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhkei47baa
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmgwGwwQbL
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7qvbRV2Gr
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoMK54bDCj
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4VcOwPZ6d
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4mH1fruz4
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTS6xp0fc6f
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoefsZlBUd
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAAWqAQWnt
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9txrrkI3U
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN6phuNoqpq
Then I cried for what felt like forever.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcdvMtghMi
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmfAcW2ejg
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgrnMZC1PL
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvL4waxbTVk
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9wpZUVwOQ
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQbhHkIX15O
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwwaEtJsDX
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80hY32apm5
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzRs4hRvjbO
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7l7OgH0fhJ
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumi6ME3bWg
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IAX6DuTLR
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4KUguvsPkX
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡys7GKE0THs
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPGLMWyXvE
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8H7mPaKTI
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06vjK3eaET
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hbbbhhZAh
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6XnhDmYXL
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUIS25WGKl2
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UDORvLAS7
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSX1yDqjwtW
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡioREV0YYJm
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePiD8aKOlk
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yUYIyWYa7
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7k1bgEAE4H
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YfOxV59rY
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNZ6Wcp73x
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8onaRQHUD
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJS4Icu5plR
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqLPRri82fD
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgz79hu448h
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROGpA75jJq
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWLNgBoI1z
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkNlGqQpBBh
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIySDDhchvw
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMMhwS6p8O
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlcUFuHhWx
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXSCpbZMNS
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39BeRdx1ZG
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J6yCgHgVZ
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpyy0G6jt9
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8F4BSIctdM
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFbzBOnTP9
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSmF4Qq67ic
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBTg4BfVWR
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT0kADmJko
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmjbYW6wHT
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYD1N268Rb1
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqfMvXBO0f
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiy4a7evvsO
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmb2I7mibH
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDw8RLNl1Q
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASWqx069TJ
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqQI0yaKHJ
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihagub68dg
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFq3HledsG
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0B7wVUEj4Y
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcjZWfs4Q7
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyFXMyAdBo
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTxP9MYwvu
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ011gQWntnA
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQAAXgnzib
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacbwfGwo6g
But that’s another story.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdFJgao1EC
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGrHTsCoZ5
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”152Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUBBNRAW38
~~~
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