That following week I couldn't think of anything else.
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The text message weighed heavy on my mind. Let's talk another time. These words have been haunting me all weekend.
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When is another time? I hated feeling this way. Anticipating something. I never considered myself an over-thinker but lately my anxiety has been through the roof. It wasn't noticeable to anyone around me of course, but I noticed myself constantly feeling nervous and uneasy. The last time I felt this sort of anxiety was the night I heard West tell Frankie he was tired of feeling sorry for me. She was there for me then, this time she was the one causing it.
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I couldn't pinpoint why I was feeling this way. I was afraid of her response, that she might hate me or worse yet, that I'd never get to see her again.
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I'd been waiting on her to text or call all day. I was instinctively tapping my foot in my bio class spacing out brainstorming ideas of what she might say when we talked.
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"T wake up." I refocused my attention to the class and saw Frankie, West and Gio in front of me.
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"C'mon dude, your class is over." Gio playfully pushed me while I was sitting in my seat. I stood up and tossed everything into my bag hurriedly realizing I was the last one left to leave. I followed them out and we walked towards the dining hall talking about some party I missed over the weekend.
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We got to the cafe and I chose a turkey sandwich along with grilled chicken. I tried to start eating more since I recently began working out again. Frankie wasn't the only one that noticed my weight gain, I got a few compliments on my physique at the gym the other day that made me feel good about myself. Very different from the comments I used to get which were, are you eating or you look sick.
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"Tommy, what are you doing tonight?" Frankie asked. I shrugged in response.
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"We want to go roller skating." They look at me all agreeing with her statement waiting to see if I'd come.
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"I don't know about skating, I'm not good at that." I scratched my neck.
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"Well afterwards we're going to drink at mine in the hot tub. You can come then." She didn't seem to want to take no for an answer so I gave in. "Okay."
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My phone buzzed directing everyone's attention to it and the caller ID was an unknown number. I hesitantly answered and put it up to my ear.
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"Hello?"
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"Hey, it's Summer. I'm calling you from my personal phone."
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I sat up and looked around the table before getting up to find a more suitable place to talk to her.
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"Hey. Is everything okay?"
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"Yes, I just thought it would make more sense to call you from my number and not my work phone."
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"Yeah, that makes sense." I said anxiously agreeing.
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"Are you free to talk today?"
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"Yeah, what time?"
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"Well I get off in 30 minutes, so anytime after."
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"I can be there in 15."
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"Okay. I'll see you soon."
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I felt a sense of relief after hanging up. I thought she forgot about our talk so it was comforting to hear she still wanted to.
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I went back to the table and grabbed my backpack and tossed it on my shoulder, stuffing the rest of my turkey sandwich in my mouth.
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"Where are you going?" Gio asked.
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I look around trying to find an excuse but come up blank. "I'll see you guys tonight."
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Once I reached the office parking lot I waited in my car until I saw people started exiting the building indicating the office hours were ending. She was the last one to leave holding a binder and her laptop in one hand and a pink water bottle in the other. She had her glasses on and her hair half up half down with her usual professional attire. A button up and slacks.
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She threw her things in her back seat and looked around the lot until she spotted me. I got out of my car and met her halfway.
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"Hi." I said nervously.
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"Hi. Were you waiting long?"
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"No I kept myself occupied."
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"By doing what?"
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"People watching." She chuckled at my answer making me smile.
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"I'm going to change, then I'll show you where I want us to go."
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I nodded slowly curious to where she was taking us. She walked back to her car and I leaned on the passenger waiting for her to finish changing. Her windows were tinted well so there wasn't much to see but when she walked back out from her backseat her long legs were revealed by the cotton shorts she had on. She had grey shorts and a graphic T shirt on.
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I went to the other side of my car to open the door for her. I couldn't peel my eyes away from her face because I didn't want her to think I was just focused on looking at her body. She put an unfamiliar destination on my GPS and we sat silently as I drove.
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It was a small waterfall just off the highway. It was a park with a walking trail but most people came to sit by the creek and take pictures of the waterfall. It was prettiest at night because they had lights around the most populated area.
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I got out to open her door before she could and she appeared appreciative but still kept her professional front. I followed her to the base of the waterfall where there were some kids taking pictures and videos. We sat on a bench in perfect view of the scenery.
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"I've never been here before." I broke our silence.
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"It's my favorite place second to my office. Also a good place to connect with nature and clear thoughts."
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"How often do you come here?"
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"Every day. Either before or after work." She sighed watching people walk by while recording the view. "I thought you might like it, you mentioned you like nature. I'm surprised you haven't visited before."
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"I am too." I try not to smile after she mentioned remembering my comment about liking nature. I try to remember it's her job to remember things like that about patients so I shouldn't think too deeply about it.
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"Thomas, the reason I wanted to talk to you is because I think we should talk about what happened at your dad's house." She turned to me but I was already looking at her. "I want you to know I care about you a lot, and I recognize you care about me as-well but I need you to be honest with me. Why did you kiss me?"
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She was anticipating my answer. I could tell she really wanted me to tell her it was a mistake and it meant nothing so we could go back to our patient-therapist relationship and get over this awkward misunderstanding . I was torn between telling her what she wanted to hear and telling her my real answer.
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"Do you want the truth?"
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"Yes please." She spoke softly.
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"I don't know what it was that drew me to you and had me so interested in you. It started when you were crying alone." I paused and looked away from her afraid to look her in the eye and say the next part. "I find myself thinking about you, all the time, everywhere, always. You've been a constant in my mind since then, and that night I kissed you felt like maybe for a small second that you might have felt that way too."
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She was quiet. I was afraid to look over at her but I took the risk. To my surprise she was still looking at me with a warm gaze her eyes held on to mine, never faltering.
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"It's common to feel this way about someone who's supporting you after grief. You've opened up to me about things you've never said out loud to anyone else and allowed me in to the darkest parts of your mind. I get how confusing those emotions can be."
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"I'm not confused about how I feel when I'm with you."
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She nodded her head before turning away "You have two options Thomas. You either sort out your feelings and we can continue our sessions or I'm afraid you can no longer be my patient."
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I don't think anything could have prepared me for the second option. I was starting to regret my confession and thought maybe lying would have saved me from this heartbreak.
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"I don't want to hurt you Thomas, I really don't, but you know how serious this is. I could lose my license and my job. If you really feel like you're not confused about your feelings for me we should end this now."
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"Okay." I said turning away not wanting to look at her any longer. She got up first and I did shortly after her and she just looked up at me with her pretty brown eyes that held so much worry in them.
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"I'm going to take an uber back." She started walking and I followed behind. I didn't argue instead nodded in agreement not sure what else to say.
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I held her wrist before she could go in a different direction causing us to separate from each other and pulled her to where I stood. She looked startled but regained composure after some seconds. I looked at her one last time before impulsively embracing her.
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"Is this okay?" I asked while holding her knowing I should've asked before. She didn't reply instead she wrapped her arms around my torso and buried herself into me.
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