休學的生活其實比想像中還要平淡無波，像是行於浩瀚沙漠之上，不知不覺地被虛無吞噬，淹溺然後窒息，我總會想到心電圖上那條被繃直的橫線，那樣的纖細而靜謐，像是隨時都會被折斷，或者說，總是會異常地想把它敲碎，一種格外彆扭難堪的姿勢。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIPfBhFbUI
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDi8rvMNan8
狹小的房圄，昏暗的燈光，只有手機撥放著的人聲呢喃著，「這是現在年輕人的傾向，由於網際網路的發達，有研究發現他們與現實越來越脫節，社交媒體的使用也是導致現在年輕人憂鬱的助因之一，尤其又以女性的影響更為明顯......」還在繼續在字裡行間笨拙挪動著，我似乎總太龐大太臃腫了，握筆滑動的指尖都窒礙難行，連呼吸都壅塞地擠壓肋骨，發出滋嘎的摩擦。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEYkBMAJcx
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fOyza8yOZ
喉頭乾澀難耐，我顫抖著手灌下一大瓶水，試圖滑點索然無味的短影音來轉移注意力，嘗試未果，又滑到剛才的影片評論區，果不其然一整片瀰漫濃烈刺鼻的煙硝味，快要被腐蝕掉了，於是啪地應聲關掉了整臺手機，感覺整個腦袋暈眩乾涸，只有心跳震耳欲聾。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCemZ7YvYug
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRywx57J5Jt
叮咚著，又一則群組訊息跳了出來。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mmPxpZg6O
「XX高中繁星再創佳績......」43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWubtfhugYH
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ161DO53Wdl
人生就是一條漫漫長河，有人野心勃勃疾駛無阻，有人無欲無求飄盪無際，也有半途就撞上巨石，尷尬地擱淺著，掙扎著前進了許久，是否真的向前了? 我也不知道。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHxnV10gme
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOhWoNTydT
「唉......」我苦笑著嘆了口氣。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfYgGQ8j3Q
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEn4AMl8rc
人果然是種犯賤的生物。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCa6ivi9nN
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqLtBlWSmO
屏息著，我知道它來了，再怎麼抗拒都束手無策的，一點一滴的自舌尖輕巧地爬進食道，一點一滴的，恭敬地廝磨啄吻般，嚙舔侵蝕著每寸經過的肌膚，最終到達腸胃，那是一種酥麻黏糊的凌遲，像是吞下一盤瀕死痙攣的蝴蝶。急促地焦躁地，牠們在叫嚷著什麼，飢渴著什麼。我不想知道，不，我真的不想知道。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7pERMj1CX
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbz0tBuu8rS
嘆了口氣，我穿上外套，拎起袋子，一如往常地向外走去。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUjXBgqWUD
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9RhkO8uxm
圖書館附近的黃花風鈴木像是憋鬱了太久的奶油一口氣擠爆，視線所及全是狂妄囂張地燦黃，微風刮著稻田銀亮的魚鱗，可激起的波濤湧到腳邊只有各式的垃圾與一隻已經被壓爛的麻雀。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKxV1tQHB7
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0AlP5Ot06
街口的那隻貓還是照常向我喵喵叫討食物，只有牠不像那些一見我就跑的貓那樣。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDi1rzAP5j
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDM6Oldpwn
「肯定很餓吧?」我用指尖刮著下巴的青春痘，不只一次的這麼想著，猛一抬頭，與感應門中的我撞個正著，欲蓋彌彰的躞蹀碎成殘渣。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJQWiqSubqP
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFGgC8t4uf
好可怕。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzfNQtG8ZK
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeiNNWpxfM
無溫的逼逼聲響起，袋子裡已經被塞的滿滿噹噹，我向感應門走去，視線裡赫然竄過一個倉促的身影，也是戴著耳機，一手捧著屏幕摔碎的手機，一手拎著鼓脹的塑膠袋，全身用寬大的衣物遮掩地密密實實。她很惶恐焦慮，像是突然墜入汪洋，茫茫然地尋不著登陸，卻又不得不滑稽可笑的掙扎求救，我知道。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2gZoDxway
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzX4iE5n9Ub
她即使到了現在也還在掙扎，我也知道。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBonpNaDuX
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxacido3g7
回家後，我盯著袋子裡的零食，然後抬頭看了看窗外，還是把窗簾拉上了。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1mr46f8yn
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZF0RImqOC
風扇嗡嗡地運轉著，桌上的參考書吹翻了一頁。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm49QAtNH8y
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCthfRnYz6r
我低下頭，撕開包裝。 尖銳的嬉笑聲自手機裡流淌出來，我總喜歡透過這樣隔一層的窺探舔舐另個世界的溫熱血液。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruyWF0f5lP
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlukogwiPP
還是洋芋片，油膩的鹹香味迫不及待地纏繞上指尖。有時候就會突然這樣，味覺反覆沖泡後變得稀淡，只能藉由這些重口味的刺激調整濃淡。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bvgr2RWCJ
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0U2vKjKauX
嘎吱咀嚼著，漫不經心地看著影片，碎片被指尖翻來攪去，從小片到大片，最後仰頭將碎屑倒入口中，再慢條斯理的擦去手指的油粉，就這麼僵硬地重複著相同的流程。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwhGEFrAQO
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWyotjt4tD
我能感受到碎片咬碎的瞬間溢流的油脂，一點一滴滑進腸胃，最終凝固成難以抹滅的白色膠狀。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1sHyerGX5
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4DUvxqTCj
進食的過程是擁腫而鬆弛的，我不知道何時終止，終點又在何處。不，其實我是知道的，再怎麼樣都迴避不掉的......43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2xtyX5YRw
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ27HUNLq30i
如同我曾如此虔誠地獻上我的所有生命，現在我得把我的罪孽一口一口吃回來，直到沒有絲毫剩餘。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyIMZPYgPj
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SRx4BTQrp
「其實，真的說起來也挺爽的吧。」我仰起頭扯起嘴角，儘管已經灌了很多水，感覺那種鬱塞的殘渣還卡在牙縫。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAYv4c0Fz0
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKHRRBA34z
電扇扭頭，包裝袋被吹落地面。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXLmLTmP5g
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4limhl3eh
我不情願地彎腰去撿，飽嗝被擠壓著竄出喉頭，整個口腔都瀰漫著張牙舞爪的油味。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HgC3MJjrR
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uV9omhaaV
「但其實，它也只是食物啊......」43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzcc1qPl2wU
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYNybpxHE5
我摀著臉，指縫間滲出一絲幾不可聞的嗚咽。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXUs1GGerq
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKyksC6cBf
我的神啊，我曾經如此如癡如狂愛著的神啊。親手剜開胸膛，掏出一顆血淋淋的搏跳心臟，自始我的世界只為他而轉動，溫熱的血液只染上他獨自的溫度，那對我才是真正的信仰，一場等價交換的大型獻祭，奉上我的所有，以便在世間繼續苟活。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUa5Pi5Ud8
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRgpuhHIo0
我曾是如此瘋癲執著地愛上了他，以至於在殺死他過後，僅剩一具頹殘的軀竅。好像得填滿些什麼，得再歇斯底里地做點什麼，恍惚懸浮於虛空中的靈魂才能再更踏實些。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPlfPLujAR
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NBTRytR0P
電腦喇叭一邊聒噪地叫囂著。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL822nQqatO
You turn oranges to orange juice43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUImfeMvkmh
Enter there, then spit it out of you43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4w8MLc9tu
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXDTp4Sjd4
一邊毫無波瀾地播送著線上課程的內容，人格心理學，今天在說榮格，但我幾乎沒聽進去。還是走進了廁所，跪在馬桶前打開座蓋，卻只能愣在原地，用痙攣的左手按住同樣痙攣的右手，然後流下幾滴不值錢的淚以茲紀念。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTeRfMXZVb
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKlwCU76Zr
我終究，還是沒辦法。催吐、催吐、催吐......腦中不斷重複演練，但我究竟是怯懦過頭。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOCulyyZGi
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztLRZq17PZ
嘆了口氣，我煩躁地抖著腳邊點開BL漫畫，一定得是肉體交織纏綿，激情四射水澤旖旎，火才夠旺夠猛，淹沒蔓延無際的食慾。胸口好悶好痛，許是滿溢的胃酸翻湧咬嚙著心臟，但更難受的是，我他媽的為什麼還在這裡。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wgwUe3qPk
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZlfyyFgQOo
連食慾都控制不了的，噁心的、骯髒的、腐爛不堪的傢伙，活著還有什麼意義?還不如直接拿刀把自己的肚子與大腿贅肉切掉。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7fKBNcMMt
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNPNjQxU8D
四年了，它們如同鬼魅縈繞，從未離去。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYSKiXBT4a
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9zEmvhYws
Your body is imperfectly perfect43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka6jko681d
Everyone wants what the other one's working43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHh6Xa4hHs
No orange juice43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNjwrbRs8l
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDPUJ0ydX9
何時，才能真正的放過自己呢?43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjF4r8zcjv
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wmihKHSOH
「媽的.....別想起來啊......」我用力攥緊棉被，把身軀壓得更低、更低些，是否就能夠低入塵埃裡?我不知道。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8dtOCyFBC
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6IviDWFBY
又是一個暴食的夜晚，鼓脹的慾望、浮腫的過往。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCG5m5CKnR
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFJZ4Lb893
矛盾著，敲打在日記的字句仍是，撲通、撲通、像落入馬桶的水面。43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfIoRiGtv9
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnbW2yFIAV
「恭喜大家考上了喜歡的大學.....我也得繼續努力啊......」43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuYaKso0Kj
「明天也要好好的生活，好好的愛自己喔......」
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEvL5eTlA9
43Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXg0i6VtwpA
註 : 感覺好像離題了，如果造成理解困擾我很抱歉.......
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