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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvf2TwAdDZ
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gImCvIk8d
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdTImjnaxa
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaliaHLxj8F
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0XATI8hhA
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3lLR3SjSP
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EN2sd31rs
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwlkIWT5dG
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgN0mV2x2c
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFylWfMCOIv
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQj0qBw8gOo
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXoVwghjXO
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraViVYMjNE
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8spM33RcHC
Then I cried for what felt like forever.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgb3s6hLSW4
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhz9Gmm9em6
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjUBippIzM
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTVUgEcs2p
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9CX9OY5i3
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiwoNoXyuN0
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqtjwBjBfk
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1WDHn2CQj
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9Mdryk7wQ
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO29Y81bFDe
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9LAlbKZiL
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEb0fL6TpK7
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1SdHA6zvt
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbt0EM8jyT
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJSvG9g4vq
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbCiPoyXKK
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡstIPApBtfq
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHvJGlrIZe
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98U6mwAlMY
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVxUWX97eg
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFCh3O09JEU
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeWjLW7NXC
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwbAQbbHO5
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7864THvOy
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hXaMmQxrN
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFBA0Efd2U
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡetg2FLxNoK
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7dXTZB4ND
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsZBmVS8c7
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0BA53Fbej
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ68OK2IZyRu
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjrcCjCh7M
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCk0dpFr7oU
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqGaEPnFaL
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRIXQT3PVb
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVehXZgaLl
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOldRIA4uPg
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWnx6y2aiH
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPcB28QJHq
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDa37mVA5q
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9JcCdXKbNM
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiO03YkCFPx
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpnb46gyWQ
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRvuQmtclk
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9D23eUahw
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIz7LvRVce
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9RXXsjzID
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RnaFXEf5d
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFdDorsPppQ
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNYyX9LRZf
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtU1LsOlNEs
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDsReVKcZhX
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjWVSbgYHG
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5yz6zwgtJ
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPol3TarFW
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ55r2ZEZk71
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcH1I5I7u2
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdG8bCLOFnM
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHIALhxFv1
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1ptuDRQhj
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RXO36nAuA
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDQIY3E7R2
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcMsexUK5w
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUyOSh1nuM
But that’s another story.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEfIShNgee
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIT4aNn6Xn3
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”144Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYcPSXgyjjN
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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