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後來回家我才看到他在我們班的家族(yahoo社群之一)上留言,寫著:
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「感動(喜極而泣的表情符號)~~有人還記得我的生日!」
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我笑著反覆翻看這段留言。
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* * *
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嗯,某方面來說我是很喜歡他的。
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李昀修對高二分類組後的我來說,是很自然的存在。
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自從第一次有人因為度數太深跟我換過位置後,我就一直坐在他後面,幫他處理一些大小事,小事如他打瞌睡而我負責在老師快要發現前踢踢他椅腳,叫他起來。大事如交換改考卷時,他回過頭告訴我他要幾分,或是哪一題要錯,哪題要對。
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當然不只這些事,太多太多了。
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還記得有次上課時他對空氣揮拳,令人費解,然後他回過頭看著我,我也看著他。他微微笑著,將握拳的右手鬆開,說:「禮物。」
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是蚊子。暈倒的蚊子。
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「……」
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下一秒我吹掉牠,毫不猶豫地。
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還有還有,他有時會回過頭告訴我一些生活上發生的事,無論是令他開心或不悅的,我總是靜靜聽他說,適時說出我的意見,那時候的我感覺很快樂,也讓我迷惘。
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那天。
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打掃的那節下課,他早早就完成分內工作回到座位,那時我正在整理抽屜,他拿下眼鏡,他戴的是黑色粗框眼鏡,很好看很適合他。而我那時戴的是好孩子牌銀色細框眼鏡,看起來很ㄔㄨㄛˊ(指『遜』)。我覺得啦。
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「妳有沒有眼鏡布?」
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「喏。」
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我連同眼鏡盒一併遞給他。
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他仔細地擦拭後,將眼鏡布折好還給我。我不知道有沒有人注意過,眼鏡布折的時候有技巧,不然會折的太長,放不進盒子裡。
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「你折錯了。」我笑著說。
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「哼,」他一把抓回去,邊折邊大聲地說:
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「如果不是妳的我才不會折咧!」
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我傻住了。腦袋一片空白。什麼話也說不出來。教室非常安靜,只聽見風扇旋轉的嗡嗡聲。只可惜還有一個張大眼睛看著我們的胖凱(綽號),他 ── 很‧八‧卦。
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但我不怕,這也是我想要的。
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其實,我有過不只一次這種想法。如果可以,我希望能和他傳緋聞,或許他會困擾,但是我覺得很開心。
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當然我沒刻意提。但後來有人的確暗地裡傳些莫名其妙的話,縱然我聽到了,也不想澄清。很羨慕瑪奇(獵人─幻影旅團之一)精準不差的直覺。不用在名為愛情的路上跌跌撞撞,真的很傻,笑自己的癡心妄想。隨便啦,你知道小朱總說我是白痴一樣。
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謠言傳到他耳裡時,這老兄壓根就沒反應,例如趁這個饑會告白等等。
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哈哈,
那時的我到底在想什麼呀?
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他明顯和我距離越來越遠,甚至鮮少和我打招呼,或許這叫做「撇清」。看他這樣,說不在乎是騙人的,回家翻找以前日記,裡面寫的滿滿都是和他的點點滴滴,與他相關連的生活中大小事,真的很白痴。
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好友日菎曾說,她對喜歡的人才會搞曖昧,不想和他只是朋友?
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搞曖昧就對了!
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搞曖昧是發展愛情的第一步。另一位淳淳曾經在蒸飯箱前告誡我,叫我不要對人太好或說些奇怪的話,如果沒感覺的話不要讓人家會錯意,諸如此類的話。
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水蒸氣熱氣蒸騰,模糊了我眼前的視線。
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直到畢業後一年半我才真正說服我自己 ── 真的是我想太多。
我當真認為,以現在的想法來回憶自己那段青澀無知的歲月,對本人我來說是非常殘酷的,你知道我抗壓性很低。
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明明對方一點感覺也沒有,為什麼自己還有勇氣付出?
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果然是年輕呀!
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只有年輕才夠傻,才有在受傷後自我癒合的能力。
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如果是這樣就好了。
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