***Characters in this scene***
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Ivy Wilkerson
Description: 18. Newlywed. An over thinker, mature for her age yet doesn’t know how to take care of herself, yet insists on being independent. Somewhat irresponsible, yet engages in surprisingly tame behavior considering her background. Cynical, bad social skills, goes on irrelevant tangents, yet endearing and has clear potential. Decent grades at school, yet no aspirations. Two close female friends. Psychological damage is evident.
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Benjamin (Ben) Maxfield
Description: 33. Also newlywed. Severe OCD that interferes with his daily interactions. Caring with good intentions, but doesn’t quite seem to understand Ivy, even though he tries. However, he clearly loves her. Combined with his fathers inheritance and being a manager at an Apple store, he lives comfortably at a Brooklyn apartment, although he tries to be secretive about it, due to the fact that most of his friends are poor and he tries to avoid provoking jealousy. He and his wife both have the tendency to blurt out odd and shocking things.
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Female Neighbor (Offstage)
Description: Not much needs to be said about this woman and her spouse. Middle aged. Hates her husband. Anger issues.
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Male Neighbor (Offstage)
Description: Middle aged to elderly. Married to pyscho woman.
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Setting: Medium to small apartment in Brooklyn in the year 2015. Their place isn't extravagant by any means, with the bare necessities but also clear that they're not in poverty. Cheesy 70s wallpaper decorates the interior. A few cliche photos of hackneyed motivational quotes line the walls as well. Think a minimalistic-ly drawn tree with the word “Hope” written over it in cursive. Random things in the room are a little worn down, for example, the sofa has a patch of duct tape on one cushion)
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SCENE 1
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(The couple walks into their apartment, lady first)
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Ben: Aw c’mon, the movie wasn’t that bad. There has to be at least one positive thing you can say.
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Ivy: I think with some therapy I might be able to recover from it.
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(She flops on the couch and throws her jacket on the floor. Ben sighs, picks it up, and hangs it somewhere)
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Ben: You need to lower your standards.
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Ivy: Well sorry I have taste.
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Ben: Are you saying I have bad taste?
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Ivy: No, I’m saying you have no taste.
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(Offstage a semi loud crrreeeaaakkk is heard followed by footsteps)
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Ben: Oh hey, the Goyer’s are home. Almost same time as us. Damn, our walls are crazy thin. I wonder if they can hear us as well as we can hear them. Ivy?
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(She stares at the ceiling catatonically. Offstage a voice is heard.)
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Man: Hey honey, how ‘bout we have some fun tonight?
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Woman: Fuck off, I have a headache.
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Man: You know sex is the best cure for a headache, right?
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Woman: Nooo, an orgasm is the best cure for a headache!
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Man: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
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Woman: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS!
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(Yelling over each other)
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Ivy: Jesus, those two should be in a sitcom!
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Ben: Or in custody.
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(Offstage clashing, banging, and quarreling is heard)
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Ben: Aaaaannnnddd they’re at it again.
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Ivy: (Sits up, mildly concerned) Should we call the police?
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Ben: No point, they don’t even come anymore.
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Woman: IF YOU TAKE ONE STEP CLOSER I WILL CASTRATE YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!
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Ben: (Calmly, like this has happened a billion times before) Alright, I’m off to keep this man’s testicles in tact.
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(Ivy chuckles)
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Ben: (While walking out the door) You know what I mean!
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Ben: (Heard offstage) Alright, you guys, ther- (couple is bickering, not even realizing Ben is in the room) SON OF A- (his voice is drowned out by more intense clashing and banging)
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(Loud door slamming, running down stairs noises)
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Ben: (Flings the door open) How does that woman wipe her ass with those nails? When was the last time she cut them? Aw crap, I think one of them broke off in my shirt! (Checks under it frantically).
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Ivy: (Walks across room to get a bandaid) Man, I think those two are starting to rub off on us. (Approaches Ben and places it on his forearm, he is panicked and still searching for the nail, not even aware that his arm is bleeding. She struggles to pull it away from him to place the bandage on)
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Ben: (Distracted, half-assing the conversation) Wuyddaya mean?
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Ivy: I mean, we’ve picked up on their petty arguments.
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Ben: (Stops, suddenly interested) I don’t follow.
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Ivy: I mean, just five minutes ago we were arguing about that godawful movie, I insulted you and-
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Ben: Wait, you consider that arguing?
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Ivy: Well…yeah.
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Ben: Oh, I mean, well…really? I just thought we were teasing each other. Ya’ know, like, playfully. Harmless.
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Ivy: Oh, I was worried you were taking my words the wrong way. I’m not being malicious when I say stuff like that y’know. Just…wouldn’t it be boring if I were just nice and pleasant to you all the time? If I only complimented you? Smiled at you? I hate that Doris Day bullshit. A healthy relationship, well in my eyes at least, we take those little flaws about our partner and milk them to no end. I’ll never stop teasing you about your lack of taste. I like the fact that you think crocs are an acceptable footwear. I mean I fucking hate it, but it’s cute ya know? It why I married you. Your lameness is cute. If you didn’t have any flaws you’d be like Doris Day with a dick. Its like that episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler-
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Ben: (Interrupting his lovely wife) Alright, alright, stop. (Pauses) …Oh shit, I found the nail on the floor! Get the trash can! Get the trash can!
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(Ivy sighs and walks across the room, almost in slow motion as if to torture him)
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Ben: Ivy! Quick! Hurry! C’mon! (she tosses the trash can at his feet and sighs. Ben calms down instantly after he throws the nail in it)
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Ben: (Deep breath then snaps out of it) Glad we’ve cleared that up.
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Ivy: (Still visibly upset) Yeah…still feeling kinda…what’s the word?
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Ben: … Sad…?
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Ivy: Yeah, that’s the one.
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Ben: …Becaaussee…?
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Ivy: How often to you hear those two?
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Ben: Well I mean, I hear them upstairs everyday, but instances like that I’d say are about once a month. First time she’s drawn blood though. Gotta admit I'm a little proud of her.
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Ivy: You know they remind me of my parents.
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Ben: Not surprising. You’ve told me about them.
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Ivy: I’m worried we’re gonna turn out like them. Your neighbors, I mean, So technically my parents as well. I don’t know, almost seems inevitable. Don’t ask me for a rational explanation for me saying this because there isn’t one. It’s just a hunch. Some 4th dimensional voodoo bullshit. The spirits are calling out to me, Ben.
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Ben: Jesus, Ivy.
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Ivy: I was being facetious. But the concern still stands. (Circles around the couch once then sits down in the middle). Didn’t you tell me your neighbors are 15 years apart in age as well?
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Ben: Something like that, yeah, give or take.
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Ivy: Don’t you find that weird?
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Ben: No, just a coincidence. In fact, I think its like, their only similarity to us.
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Ivy: As far as we know. I don’t know. Maybe being in such different stages of life strained their marriage.
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Ben: Or maybe the bad sex. They really need to soundproof their walls. (Ivy sighs and Ben approaches her from behind and rubs her shoulders) Listen, everything’s gonna be alright. A little self awareness goes a long way. I’m sure the Goyer’s have never even bothered to evaluate their relationship. Or themselves for that matter. Now I’m gonna go take a nap alright? Afterwords we’ll move your next few boxes in. Oh also, I found a blue one wedged underneath the carseat. Medium sized.
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Ivy: Oh yeah! That must be where I packed all my panties. Had to turn this pair inside out.
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END SCENE 1
SCENE TWO
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***Characters in this scene***
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Ben
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Therapist (Unnamed so far)
Description: Extremely scholarly, well educated, and formal. Fond of Ben, although she seems to get slightly blunt and irritated with him at times. Her speciality is eating disorders, so she was a bit puzzled as to why Ben and chosen to see her for his OCD, but it turns out that she was the only psychologist within a 20 mile radius that was 100% covered by his insurance.
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(Ben sitting with his therapist)
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Ben: I’ve never been able to pinpoint where exactly my issues with women stem from. Ivy says its because my father was misogynistic, but I don’t really agree with that.
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Therapist: Was your father a misogynist?
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***Cue Flashback***
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(Young boy, around age 10 stands outside dribbling a basketball. Middle aged man wearing a baseball cap and a mustache approaches him and puts his arm around him)
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Father: Son, let me tell you a little something about respecting women… See, the thing is, women aren’t people, so you don’t have to respect them. Alright, good talk son. (Pats Ben’s shoulder and leaves)
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***End Flashback***
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Ben: God no! He was great!
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Therapist: (Writing on notepad in a quintessential therapist manner) Mhm. Mhm.
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Ben: My sister says my disorder might have something to do with it. I mean, its tough to stick with a person when you’re so picky right? Like the slightest thing about someone will get to me so it makes romance nearly impossible.
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***Cue Another Flashback***
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(Teenage Ben on a date with teenage another girl)
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Teenage Ben: So what’s your sign?
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Girl: I’m a scorpio.
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Teenage Ben: SON OF A BITCH! (Throws chair against wall and storms out of restaurant)
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***End Flashback***
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Therapist: Well obviously there are multiple factors. It’s a complicated issue you know.
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Ben: Yeah, true. (Aggressively pulls at a thread on his sweater)
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Therapist: And I don’t know if you remember but this but, you’re married now. You can worry about this issue a little less. Honey, honey, just cut if off! (hands ben a pair of scissors). Tell me about Ivory.
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Ben: Ivy.
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Therapist: Ivy. Tell me about her. What do you like about her? And be specific.
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Ben: Oh man well, where do I begin? She balances me out. Stresses me the fuck out, but its worth it. Better than not having her. She’s not perfect by any means which is just makes her even more endearing. Her apathy is not only impressive and kinda sexy, it’s fucking fascinating. I mean how does she manage that of lack give a fuck? She’ll walk in a room and throw her jacket on the floor. The floor! Without even a second thought! I mean how the hell? I’m jealous of that in a sense. I would think maybe being around her, well, I would pick up on her mannerisms a little bit, like almost absentmindedly. They say that the reason couples tend to look like each other when they get older its because they spend so much time together that their skin ages in a similar way. They’ll be out together in the sun in the same place at the same time, and the wrinkles around their mouth would form similarly from all the times they’ve laughed together. So I always find myself wanting to adapt to her. It’s like she’s this big powerful force I need to succumb to. Not to say I’m using her in any sense, I mean god I fucking love her. She’s the only person I’ve never wanted to run away from the second they do something that upsets me. Sometimes I think every thing about us that could be different, is different. But then I tell myself “No, thats ridiculous, we have so much in common.” I mean, we both like Star Wars! And even if we are different in every sense of the word, we still balance each other out. But still, she manages to be so complicated even with apathy being her strongest trait. It’s like she’s a code I’m constantly trying to unlock and I’m just guessing numbers at this point.
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Therapist: I have a hard time believing this is your first time ever being exposed to someone who is apathetic. Why does she compel you more than others with such a trait?
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Ben: Oh well, of course its not my first time. I went to high school you know.
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Therapist: No need to be sarcastic.
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Ben: Sorry. Maybe her age has something to do with it. Or maybe its because she’s hot, so she can get away with it. Either way it seems different with her. Like she’s not doing the apathy thing because she wants to be “cool”, so she puts on a guise, its much more intense than that. It reaches to her bones and her core.
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Therapist: You know a “lack-of-give-a-fuck” to that extent is often a symptom of clinical depression.
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Ben: Oh if this girl doesn’t have clinical depression I personally give you permission to pluck each one my pubes off individually. Of course she has that shit. Never been diagnosed though. No opportunities. God, she’s never had an opportunity for a damn thing in her life. The second I walked into her house I knew I needed to get her the fuck out of there. She told me she used to sleep in an open drawer when she was a baby because there was no room in her house due to all of her siblings. I proposed to her that night, no ring, no one knee bullshit, just blurted it out. Neither of us are much one for romance. She told me about her home life for hours that day and got real heavy. I couldn’t take it anymore so I said to her, “Look. I have money. I have a place. You don’t have to have anything to do with me if you don’t want, hell, we don’t even have to talk to each other, just marry me. Seriously. You never have to deal with any of this again.” She said yes, but it wasn’t an enthusiastic yes, it was a “sure, why not” yes. And I had never been more relieved in my entire life. I had never felt so positively about a “yeah, sure, whatever” before. The second she graduated, she walked right out of the building, stuffed her cap and diploma in her oversized purse, and met me at city hall.
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Therapist: ….
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Ben: What?
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Therapist: Ben, are you sure that this is a legitimate marriage?
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Ben: (Slightly offended and confused) Well yeah, legally, I have all the papers-
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Therapist: No, I mean…how do I say this? Alright, who’s idea was it to merely go down to city hall and not have as much as a simple celebration for the occasion?
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Ben: Well we went to Olive Garden after! And hers, she’s not much one for romance.
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Therapist: I see. Why did you tell her “We don’t even have to talk to each other”?
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Ben: I was joking! I didn’t actually say that.
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Therapist: But there has to be a reason you mentioned that in your description a few minutes ago.
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Ben: She just acts like she hates me sometimes. I don’t take it personally though, she tends to be very antisocial to everyone. Alright, you know I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t propose to her as a favor, right? I’ll admit to that. But I wouldn’t propose to someone I didn’t love. I’ve met plenty people in shitty situations, and I’ve never really felt the need to interfere nearly as much…but with her its different, cause ya know, feelings and shit. And she wouldn’t have said yes to just anyone, right? I mean there has to be something about me that appeals to her, right? At least I’m the lesser of two evils. That’s enough for me right now, I guess. Well no, maybe I’d want to be-
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Therapist: Ben, does this girl even like you?
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Ben: I…I don’t know.
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END SCENE TWO
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