從那天起,伊蘭不再用那種透過他緬懷故人的目光注視他了。取而代之的,是一種直面他的坦然。她會在練習的間隙主動找他聊天,會在某些小事上表達自己的關心,甚至偶爾露出些許玩笑般的笑容。44Please respect copyright.PENANAXzUnpuaBkz
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這種轉變讓他感到既放鬆又不安。從那種壓抑的目光中得到解放,卻又害怕她發現了替代的秘密。不過,在伊蘭遲遲未多說什麼後,他就逐漸淡忘了這件事,也沒有多餘的心思再想了。44Please respect copyright.PENANARRaIvgpRNE
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時間就像逐漸腐朽金屬的銹斑,一點一點侵蝕著他作為『童逸洋』的認知。當他逐漸淡忘真實身分時,手臂內側那淡淡的痕跡總會提醒他,他是『童逸洋』,是弟弟留下的痕跡,不是哥哥。44Please respect copyright.PENANAbCnBFSIuuf
44Please respect copyright.PENANAgAxy4DqMYY
這種身份錯亂逐漸拖垮了他的精神。他的情緒變得極其不穩定,稍有刺激便容易引發暴怒或崩潰。每當周遭的人用哥哥的名字呼喚他時,他只能在心底壓抑著一股無聲的咆哮,明知道自己是『童逸洋』,卻被迫活在另一個人的影子裡。44Please respect copyright.PENANAsKlbqcgRNu
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而這一切,都是他不經大腦犯下的苦果。然而,這場由他主導的錯誤,一旦開始就無法再叫停。44Please respect copyright.PENANAnMd4oI4cpK
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因為這已不是他僅僅一個人的問題。如果他試圖喊停,當初選擇幫忙隱瞞真相的父母,必然會受到牽連。44Please respect copyright.PENANAXDMC3dKbZ6
44Please respect copyright.PENANAKASDZKLA6b
在上大學之後,童逸洋偶爾會夢到一個與自己長得一模一樣的男人,質問他『為什麼要這樣做』。每每驚醒,他卻無法記起那個人到底是誰。無論是被取代身分的『哥哥』,還是被放棄身分的『弟弟』,他都懷著無法消弭的罪惡感。44Please respect copyright.PENANAIQPBG6bfMP
44Please respect copyright.PENANAzprQPHwCFu
恐懼與悔意,如同潛伏在黑暗中的巨大猛獸,不斷追趕著他,逼迫著他,就等著他崩潰的那一刻到來,再將他一口吞噬殆盡。44Please respect copyright.PENANA0TKg9eLNFc
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終於,在他大三的某一天,這根脆弱的導火線,被點燃了──44Please respect copyright.PENANAy7ueYfQ8Rt
44Please respect copyright.PENANAA76wxvkPUK
童逸洋是住校生,平時星期六上完課後會回家,星期一再啟程回學校。那天正好是星期一,一家三口坐在餐桌前用早餐。今天的早餐是童思琳做的,簡單的雞蛋三明治搭配豆漿,是兩兄弟小時候的最愛。童逸洋神色懨懨,毫無胃口。44Please respect copyright.PENANAFrGlheUus1
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最近的噩夢越來越頻繁,昨晚也不例外。再這樣下去,他能撐到什麼時候?44Please respect copyright.PENANA1bAjFnIsrq
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「怎麼啦大亦,是不是身體不舒服呀?」44Please respect copyright.PENANAZTaw99gHwA
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見兒子完全不吃早餐,童思琳溫柔地出言關心。她只是正常地關心兒子,但現在的童逸洋精神緊繃又有些神經質,這聲『大亦』無疑是莫大無比的刺激。44Please respect copyright.PENANAfGZGAwsoMR
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所以,他爆發了。
童逸洋動作粗暴地推開桌子站起,桌腳與地板激烈碰撞發出刺耳的摩擦聲,彷彿青年內心中撕裂的哀鳴。瞠大的雙目佈滿通紅的血絲,彷彿隨時都能淌出血淚。44Please respect copyright.PENANALDLU7qPEbR
44Please respect copyright.PENANAyp7K6qBjOh
「我不是大亦,我是小逸!外面那群人不知道,你們還不知道嗎?!爸!!媽!!!」44Please respect copyright.PENANAtxciuOwdes
44Please respect copyright.PENANACBNC7zzc2s
壓抑將近十年的痛苦再這一刻崩潰,似泣血若悲鳴。不受控的感情宣洩過後,他陷入一段空白的清醒,以及後知後覺的恐慌。44Please respect copyright.PENANAX1N2NBbJH6
44Please respect copyright.PENANAqmKaMXzDlE
青年的大動作震翻了桌上的豆漿,乳白色液體從杯中濺出灑滿桌面,濕漉漉的狼藉像是一場無聲的控訴。父母呆滯僵硬地望著自己,童思琳的眼中瀰漫著濃烈的哀戚與霧氣,向來上揚的嘴角此刻卻抿得緊緊的,失去了平時的笑意。44Please respect copyright.PENANAchtL1CtrQ3
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眼前的情景,與當年楊亦桐失控時的畫面如出一轍。只不過這次,他不再是那個旁觀者,而是親身陷入其中的當事人。44Please respect copyright.PENANA7tVqtL27yz
44Please respect copyright.PENANACqk03ohXlv
咬緊了後槽牙,童逸洋提起放置在一旁的背包,不去看後方父母的神情,身形狼狽地奪門而出。44Please respect copyright.PENANAF9oTRNgNXe
44Please respect copyright.PENANA2e0824SgjM
渾渾噩噩地來到大學,童逸洋一時之間忘了自己的身份,腦中不斷浮現童思琳剛剛的表情,內心那無處宣洩的愧疚快將他壓垮。44Please respect copyright.PENANA2YiL3ycTBR
44Please respect copyright.PENANA0aaXo459VC
當初提出交換身份的是自己,他有什麼資格去遷怒童思琳?可青年又確切地知道,他撐不下去了。44Please respect copyright.PENANAIG2Mrcsdlb
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要解脫又不牽連父母的方法……就只有……44Please respect copyright.PENANAFmukVBREU7
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「欸?這不是我們的楊桐桐嗎?」44Please respect copyright.PENANApsJQw7oCvC
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在童逸洋陷入思緒之中時,一道輕快陽光的聲音從後方響起。一名金髮挑染紅色的青年二話不說衝上來與童逸洋勾肩搭背,完全沒注意到童逸洋此刻的異樣。44Please respect copyright.PENANAwX89oP43AL
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這位青年是童逸洋的室友,名作許鑫陽。這個人平時隨和,表現也無特別出眾,與童逸洋交情不錯。只是有點重色輕友,經常蹺課並找他幫忙點名。44Please respect copyright.PENANAiZAne5doqk
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這次,也不會是個例外。44Please respect copyright.PENANANM0p3qHETQ
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「楊桐桐,我待會想去和女朋友約會,可以幫忙點──」44Please respect copyright.PENANAq9JgTXWZyn
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「不幫。」44Please respect copyright.PENANAz77GJJQlBh
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童逸洋此刻的內心中刮著狂風暴雨,一聲『不幫』已經是他竭盡全力壓抑情緒後的極限。但許鑫陽向來粗線條,沒察覺到這點,還不死心地想盧青年答應。44Please respect copyright.PENANAKk3rKwTyt9
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「別這樣說嘛,點個名而已……」44Please respect copyright.PENANAAwFqJ1erQw
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「我說我不願意。」44Please respect copyright.PENANAqbScRU3Ooh
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青年語氣裡的暴躁情緒如洪水般洩露出來,許鑫陽終於發現不對勁,卻沒能理解。想到自己的親親女友,悻悻然地埋怨了一句。44Please respect copyright.PENANAnSAOtkh9Nv
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「衝啥啊,不就只是找你幫忙點個名而已,兇屁啊……」44Please respect copyright.PENANA2iIZ6wSMdm
44Please respect copyright.PENANABgVm1CaqeU
原本勉力撐住的理智,再一次瞬間崩塌。童逸洋赤紅著雙眼,舉起緊握著的拳頭,朝對方揮去。44Please respect copyright.PENANANb8pvoi1e1
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童逸洋這一拳幾乎沒有收力。沒預想到對方會突然出拳揍人的許鑫陽躲閃不及,喋喋不休的話語在拳頭落下的瞬間戛然而止,牙齒狠狠咬到舌頭,嘴角滲出了鮮血。44Please respect copyright.PENANAJo1yb2cfJC
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「靠!楊亦桐你發什麼瘋!」44Please respect copyright.PENANALNR2HGEpx4
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臉上挨了一拳的許鑫陽捂著臉,吃痛地往後退,且氣得破口大罵,但就是沒有要回擊的意思。44Please respect copyright.PENANAMhVGvaIOWS
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他不是楊亦桐!44Please respect copyright.PENANA0Xe79BrKmy
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赤著眼的童逸洋又一次高高舉起拳頭,拳頭即將再次落下的那刻,旁邊注意到異樣的幾名同學趕忙衝上來,一左一右將他拉開。被架住的他起初還在激烈掙扎,試圖擺脫那些束縛自己的手。44Please respect copyright.PENANAmHRAFaN9Ue
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直到,耳邊傳來那道熟悉的呼喚聲。44Please respect copyright.PENANACjQlnnNux2
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「楊哥哥……?」44Please respect copyright.PENANAOjooPygpg6
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理智像被冰水澆醒般逐漸回籠,這時他才驚覺自己剛剛做了什麼。目光四下游移,映入眼簾的是對他指指點點的人群,以及就是滿眼恐懼地望著他的女同學。44Please respect copyright.PENANAXDr2lj98gY
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而在人群中,那個嬌小的少女正呆愣愣地看著他。伊蘭的眼神裡,充滿了難以掩飾的震驚……以及他看不懂的情緒。44Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZECXwLrAL
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他失控了……44Please respect copyright.PENANARbvBAKOIuA
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「抱歉。」44Please respect copyright.PENANAbtjXW2B1PA
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一聲含糊的歉語匆匆落下,童逸洋掙脫了那兩位同學的束縛,如同驚弓之鳥般逃離了現場。他幾乎用衝撞的方式推開了大門,闖進空無一人的練習室。44Please respect copyright.PENANABtTNHOwSGr
44Please respect copyright.PENANAljt1akmWZp
他快步走向角落的電子琴,彷彿要撕開某種壓抑,猛地扯開覆蓋在琴鍵上的棉布,修長的手指撫上琴鍵,閉上眼開始彈奏起來。44Please respect copyright.PENANAJDbbEFbnBK
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黑白分明的琴鍵發出『噹!噹!』的哀鳴聲,雜亂無章的旋律彷彿在釋放負面的情緒,充滿黑暗與毀滅。44Please respect copyright.PENANAZI1258F2mn
44Please respect copyright.PENANAMN30aO4npz
在這片混亂的樂聲中,他依稀聽見練習室的門被推開的聲響,但他選擇了忽視。他的手指依舊在琴鍵上跳動,像是與自己心中的煩躁和憤怒進行一場殊死的搏鬥。44Please respect copyright.PENANASDzYI9LXSc
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進門的人並沒有打攪他的『演奏』,而是默默地,耐心地在一旁等待他結束。44Please respect copyright.PENANAvHUSOK5etC
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直到最後一個音符戛然而止,童逸洋微喘著氣,拭去額頭上的汗水。緩緩轉過頭,伊蘭嬌小單薄的身影站在不遠處,鹿眸中映現出他的倒影,就這麼靜靜地注視著他。44Please respect copyright.PENANA9DBXnMIxa8