Salystia looked at her sleeve, wet and covered in makeup, and whispered to herself "why am I crying?" Curled up on her bed, the lights out, she hoped she was being quiet enough not to wake the rest of the squad. It wasn't that she didn't want them to wake up. It was because if they woke up, they'd see her in this state and her pride refused to show that. She was a WindGarden...
No, she wasn't. Not anymore. The words rang in her ears, though they had been said hours ago. "You are no longer my daughter," her sire had said in the elven tongue. She'd lost everything with those words: no longer an heiress, no longer rich, no longer able to uphold the good WindGarden name. That last had been the problem. She wanted that name to mean something good. She wanted to prove to the world that not all of her family cared more about money than ethics.
Her last meeting with her family she had argued the point with her father. It had gotten heated, especially when Rell was brought up. He could insult her, but an insult to her teammates was more than she could take. She didn't even remember doing it, but she remembered the sound. The silence that followed it as a shocked look crossed his face and a hand went to his reddening cheek. Then he said those words, and Salystia didn't care, not at that point. She was too angry. She left without a second thought and went back to her only real home; Camp Pall and her teammates.186Please respect copyright.PENANAEvr2T3Ous2
It didn't hit her until now what it all meant. Her father may have questionable ethics, but he never went back on anything he said. His twisted sense of honor wouldn't allow it. It wasn't the loss of all her physical goods that hurt right now; it was the reality that she was, once again, alone.186Please respect copyright.PENANAwim4AJduR3
She looked across the room in the moonlit darkness and saw Rell and Jasmine on their respective bunk-bed, and heard the loud snore of Lily above her. No, not alone. Not yet anyways.186Please respect copyright.PENANAxJ94K0NIh4
This hadn't been her first fight with her father. She'd grown up in that environment. She was the second born daughter of the prestigious WindGarden clan in the public eye, but it was her little sister who got her father's attention. 186Please respect copyright.PENANASSZgJy5heU
A new rush of tears fell, remembering the isolation. She didn't like it, but she started patterning herself after Flaira. If that was what he wanted, that was what he'd get. She would do almost anything to get her father's love. She was only sixty at the time. It was only natural.186Please respect copyright.PENANA99uQnZF1bg
The only thing that he had shown any approval of was her singing. Even among elves her voice had few peers. He'd have entire auditoriums set up for her performances. She didn't know it was a cover for him to meet with the less savory of his political allies at the time. All she knew was it was the perfect metaphor for her life. She stood alone. Thousands of people watched her, but never got close. Listened to her music, fawned on her beauty and skill, but didn't really care about her.
There was only one thing that had given Salystia any confidence at all. She was a Windgarden. By definition she was better than everyone else; everyone who wasn't a Windgarden. This was reinforced by all the people who wanted to curry any kind of favor with her, and how her father looked down on them. Even if she wasn't good enough for her own family, she was still worlds above most.
A particularly long and loud snore came from above her. She punched the bottom of the top bunk to get Lily to stop, more out of anger for her own situation than to stop the snoring. But a shake of the bed indicated lily had rolled, and the snoring had at last stopped.
When she realized she would never get her father's love was when everything snapped into perfect clarity. She was alone, and would always be alone. Rather than allowing it to hurt her, to allow people to care only for her money and status and for her father not to care at all she kept her distance and made sure no one would come near her. The more they tried, the more she knew they didn't care about anything but what it meant to them to be seen with her. It made her skin crawl, and it made her angry. An arrogant air seemed to turn people away the fastest. After time had passed she even began to believe the facade.
And then she met Lily in the worse way possible. Talk about bad impressions! Despite herself a small chuckle escaped her at the memory. Lily was a force unto herself, even though Salystia hadn't realized it at the time. After all, she couldn't see beyond her own self importance. She was a Windgarden, and for the first time she was the only one. She was the most worthy one that base.
Salystia had only just been assigned to Camp Pall back then and had expected to be running the place. She wished that was a joke but she really did expect it, so finding that some low born human was her new commanding officer had led to a natural personality clash.
Salystia was fairly certain Lily hadn't realized what kind of force of nature she was either. For a commanding officer she had seemed timid instead of authoritative, and an easy mark for the High-Elf's bruised pride.
Well, Lily still didn't resemble a "proper" captain, but that's normal for a scout unit. Through that team she'd learned things she'd never understood in her eighty-six years. Trust was the big thing. It was something completely alien to her, but fighting side by side trust was inevitable. Friendship followed. True friendship, which she'd never had before. She'd become happy without really knowing when.
Her friends had given her the strength to be honest with her father, rather than trying to be his scratched porcelain doll. She told him how disgusted she was with what he was doing to the family name. How did she think that was going to work out? And she called Lily a baccha!
A small piece of her childhood self must still have been inside her hoping her father would love her.
The muffled crying continued until sleep finally claimed her. The dreams that came after were closer to nightmares.
The morning was bright, Lily was animated, and Rell and Jasmine were both still in their bunks. One was reading and the other sleeping. Everything was normal. They had three more days of R&R and Lily was being quiet (by her standards), but Salystia knew from experience she had all three days planned out to make the best of them for herself and her team. It was adorable in its own way. Not that Salystia would ever admit it to anyone.
Normal. It all felt wrong to her. She knew it shouldn't. They didn't know what had happened to her, so they were going to just do as they always have. She wasn't going to disillusion them. Salystia couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes. She may not be a Windgarden anymore, but she still had her personal pride to fight for.
"Come on Jaz, everyone else is up. Stop being such a sleepy head."
"Baccha. You know that she won't rise before ten for anything short of slapping her when she's on leave." The words left her mouth out of reflex, so ingrained was this routine.
"I wouldn't recommend doing that again," Rell responded in her near monotone voice. It was what passed for sarcasm with her. "I don't want to have to repair our furniture again."
The irrepressible Lily wasn't thwarted. "It wasn't that bad."
"She punched a hole through my bed!" Rell said with evident outrage.
A sheepish look crossed her face. "It wasn't that big of a hole."
"I was in it at the time, and the mattress' stuffing made me look like a chicken."
Salystia began to tune it all out. Everything was normal. Everything except for her.
"Saly! Saaalyyyy!"
"Huh?" Startled back to reality she looked around and realized Jasmine was awake and dressed in her civilian clothes. Obviously a lot of time had passed.
"You drifted off somewhere in la-la land," Lily said. "Are you okay?"
"Of course I'm fine! What kind of dumb question is that?" Ah yes, haughty arrogant princess. That was familiar. It was safe.
All three of her friends took a step back, a bit of shock on their faces. That bitterness wasn't like Salystia. Not for two years now. The sarcasm was, of course, but not the icy intent. She knew what was crossing their minds, of course. Even if it had been years the echoes from that past were unmistakable.
Damage control time. After a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I didn't sleep well, and then you," pointing at Lily, "brought be back by callying me Saly. You know how much I hate that." It was only a half truth, but at least it wasn't an outright lie.
She waved her hand dismissively, as if it wasn't really anything of consequence. "So what did I miss?"
That was the wrong thing to ask. Lily launched herself into an exciting day that she had planned. She spoke so fast that after a minute Salystia raised her hands up as if to defend herself. "Okay, okay, I get it. Really, you shouldn't use your magic to talk so fast."
"I didn't." A thoughtful look crossed her face.
"Oh no, I forbid it!"
That brought on a defeated pose, the squad captain's head and arms hanging down dejectedly. Three, nearly four, years after meeting her and she still had that innocent charm. Salystia didn't think it would ever leave her. It was as part of her as the mole under her right ear.
"Oh, alright, but I'm not going to pay attention to it, just to be clear," Salystia said testily. And that was all it took. Everything was right in Lily's world.
Rell had her own say on the matter "I really don't think her spells can work like that."
Jasmine was trying hard not to laugh at all of this, and failing miserably. "They can't, but she's certainly going to try."
Salystia tried to smile, but it was forced. If anyone had been paying attention to her they would have known. I can be normal still. This will all pass, she lied to herself, and we'll all be laughing about it later.
Why Lily went to Tavu for advice even Lily couldn't explain in words. Tavu wasn't exactly a subtle or tactful person. While Lily was tactless herself out of a social awkwardness that was unlikely to ever leave her, Tavu's lack of tack came from a level of enthusiasm that made her speak before she fully processed her thoughts. It was a common trait among fairies and Tavu wore it like a badge of honor. Yet here she was asking Tavu for advice while the others were away.
"So you're saying you're worried because Saly is being cold, grouchy, and snipish lately?" Tavu asked with a 'and this is new to you how?' smile on her face.
"It sounds silly when you say it, but yeah; more so than normal." She shook her head slightly. There was more to it than just that, but she wasn't sure Tavu would believe her. Salystia seemed off in another way. If she didn't know better Lily would say she had no confidence.
"Yesterday she picked a fight with Rell about Macabre Dream, calling them degenerates from the day they were formed, not just the final years. Rell walked away from it rather than actually hitting Salystia, but I think it was a near thing. I know Salystia doesn't feel that way. Not anymore. So why?"
"So she's going after her own team now? That is bad. I really did hope it was just my team." Tavu leaned back, fully relaxed and unnaturally docile for her. Lily had timed this conversation perfectly. She valued Tavu's input, but she didn't want to get sidetracked as Tavu was want to do normally.
"Ya think maybe something ha- ha-" Tavu let out a big yawn, the gossomer wings on her back appearing to tremble slightly as the muscled beneith them stretched, "happened between her and her folks?" Okay, maybe Tavu was a bit too relaxed. "After all, this seemed to start after she got back from her visit with them."
Lily was a bit surprised. 'folks' meant she didn't know. Did Salystia only tell her? "Her mom died when she was young, so really it's just her dad and her sister, but maybe." Lily had caught the slight change in Salystia too, but hadn't been sure. She was happy to get a confirmation. "I'm not sure what that could be. She loves them of course, but certainly doesn't like them. She's grouchy every time she gets back. What more could they do to her?" A small idea came to her at those words, but she wasn't sure. She filed it away for future analysis. It would explain a few things she'd seen in her friend lately.
"I could rough her up and force it out of her!" It was classic Tavu, in her bloodthirsty yet oddly cheerful and cute voice. A bit of her normal self was starting to show through. Lily couldn't help but laugh. Then again Lily laughed at everything, even Salystia's jokes.
And that was when the door opened. Lily reflexively grabbed at the blanket. Tavu just leaned a bit further back and folded her arms to purposely accentuate her bare breasts and smiled. Salystia's eyes were shocked for one second, if that. Then they became hard, unforgiving, and focused completely on Lily. It scared her. Those were the eyes she saw the day they first met. Lily wasn't sure why Salystia was so angry, or why she felt so guilty. She and Tavu had been quiet about their affair, but it wasn't like this kind of thing was unheard of.
Without a word Salystia turned around and left, closing the door behind her.
"Well that was something," Tavu replied sarcastically.
Lily was near tears, and again she wasn't sure why. "I need to be alone Tavu."
A confused look crossed Tavu's face, and then a big smile replaced it. "Well if that's what you want then I'll let you have your time, but I'm just across the hall if you need anything. I think I'll just go talk to Ren. I'm sure he's lonely without me, probably just reading. You know how he is."
Lily watched Tavu get dressed and listened to her talk now that the afterglow fog was starting to clear. Tavu was a great friend and beautiful, but that was all there was to it for her. Well that and Lily needing help to understand her own sexuality.
Tavu was the only open lesbian Lily knew well enough to even ask. And well, this happened. Tavu didn't really care who knew what was going on. She was just as open about her sexual orientation as she was about every other aspect of her life. More or less it was in your face because there was no such thing as a filter between her brain and her lips. It was Lily that was hiding it. She was embarrassed, confused, and more than a bit guilty.
"Lily," Tavu said as she opened the door, her voice unusually soft. "I know this is for fun and a bit of experimentation, but it's been good hasn't it?"
"Of course!" She faked. It had been fun, and she did learn a lot about sex and herself. But that wasn't what Tavu meant about "good" and she knew it.
Salystia felt a pain unlike anything she knew; one more powerful than her father disowning her. She knew most of the base only put up with her. High-Elves were used to the jealousy, and expected it. Any true connection she might feel with them was hollow at best and would break as soon as it was convenient for either side.
Even her own team wasn't better. They were friends. She knew that with a certainty, but their current tour was ending and with that reassignment was possible. Likely in a Jasmine's case, who had been very clear that she was bugging out as soon as her enlistment time ended. They would part ways with only a little regret.
She never suspected, or expected, Tavu of all people to get in the way. In the way of what? an unwanted voice asked.
She had to hide. She didn't want to have Lily catch up with her, or any of them to see her in this state. Hiding on a military base wasn't an easy task by design. A broom closest was the solution. The chemical smell of cleaners hit her in the face as she opened the door. Well, at least if she was caught she could blame the chemicals for her tears.
She sat, staining her Army Greens on the grimy floor. Salystia couldn't define what was running around in her head as thoughts. More like instinctive yearnings and fears chasing each others tails. Hugging herself tightly, she let them have their way for now. A few minutes later she heard Lily pass by, quietly calling Salystia's name. It went unanswered.
Baccha. She'll probably spend the rest of the day looking for her, missing dinner if necessary. She wouldn't stop until morning. Salystia knew what would happen when Lily did find her. She could picture it in her head perfectly. It twisted her guts, feeling the knife that would so gently be pushed into her heart. Lily would say anything to make Salystia understand it wasn't about her; that she and Tavu had just found something. Something she couldn't get from Salystia.
Fine! If she couldn't get it from Salystia, then at least she was getting it somewhere. I'll get her to understand one way or another that I don't need her, and she can go back to what makes her happy without guilt. I'll force her to if needed! The thoughts continued in that cycle and the anger in them built up each rotation. By the time she was ready to face the world she wasn't in the mood for any diplomacy.
She went directly to her dorm room, half expecting to find Lily waiting for her. She was half right, finding a half sister instead. Jasmine looked like hell, but Salystia knew she hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. "Where have you been?" Jasmine started, a bit of heat and a lot of worry in her voice. "You got Lily worried sick."
"Lily should mind her own business," Salystia retorted with a bit of the superior 'I'm better than all of you' tone she used to ooze thrown in. A tone she didn't have any right to anymore, but was good armor to wear in any situation.
"She cares about you," the heat was definitely rising in Jasmine's voice. Good, no point in waiting till graduation for her desertion.
"No, she doesn't. She may act the cute adorable feather-head, but she's in it all for herself. She made us all into the perfect team so she could look good in front of General Pax, and it worked. She'll get her pick of stations as long as she can hold us together till the end of this tour of duty." Salystia couldn't believe the words left her mouth, and she certainly didn't believe a single one of them. That wasn't the point though. She got a reaction.
Jasmine was a woman of extremes with few grey areas. Normally cheerful, she had only a couple of buttons to push. Attacking her sister, that was a big button. She was playing with fire; time to stoke the flames. "You're just too thick to notice because she's your sister. I bet she laughs every time she thinks about it."
That did it. Jasmine's eyes were the only warning, but it was all Salystia needed. She cleanly bent backwards avoiding the fist that would have connected otherwise, and continued the motion into a perfect back flip. The punch was no joke. If it had connected it would have probably knocked Salystia out. It was fortunate that Jasmine's eyes were such an obvious tell.
"Hmmph!" was all Salystia said in reply to the attack, with a roll of the head and eyes. Then with a superior sniff she turned and left.
A muffled "Salystia..." was heard behind her through the door, but Jasmine didn't chase after her. As quickly as Jasmine's temper had flared, Salystia knew it had cooled just as fast. It didn't matter. Her only regret, or the only one she was allowing herself to acknowledge, was that she didn't get to change out of her grimy skirt first.
She wasn't sure where she was going. She didn't really have a place to go: no home, no friends, no nothing. She had herself to blame, and deep down she knew it. She found herself outside, in the garden next to the barracks. It was a beautiful spot with the smell of flowers everywhere. It didn't fit with Salystia's mood at all.
"There you are!" The voice behind her was unexpected, mainly because Salystia assumed Lily would still be calling her name, not giving her a chance to prepare herself. Unguarded, Lily got a split second to see the hurt behind the facade. She hadn't needed to see it though. She knew. Salystia could be a real pain, but she wasn't purposely hurtful normally.
"What do you want?" Salystia snapped, while in her head she pleaded go away, please, just leave me alone. Of course that wasn't what happened.
"I want to know what's wrong! This isn't like you, not anymore!" The desperate look in Lily's eyes could not be faked, so Salystia ignored it instead.
"Nothing's wrong, you dunce, so why don't you go where you're wanted." Anger rose in her fueled by her own self-doubt, and by a sense of jealousy she knew she had no right to. It colored a voice that had been intended to be bitterly cold ice with a forge-like heat. She turned her back towards Lily, trying to show just how little she cared, and doing the exact opposite.
Salystia froze when the arms circled her, holding her from behind. Lily rested her chin on Salystia's shoulder. "Please, stop pushing us away," she whispered in her ear. "We know something's wrong, and we are here to help."
"Just what a good team leader should say, now isn't it? Well stop. This tour is almost over and we'll all go our own way after. You don't need to pretend anymore to care about the 'ice queen.'" Those words had hurt more than any she had said in her life. She could physically feel her heart squeeze at her chest. It was hard to breath, but she had to endure. Better to cut it off now than later. The longer the farce went on, the more painful it would be when it ended.
"Nope. I don't believe you. And you don't believe your own words. I can feel it, right here." The emotional pain grew worse when she felt Lily's hand over her own heart. She felt her knees start to collapse under her, but Lily's arms tightened and held her upright. "I will never let you fall Salystia. Never, you hear me?"
"Why? Why do you care? I'm not worth it..." A vision of Tavu and Lily together crossed in her mind. "Besides, you have others to hold close. You don't need me. Everyone loves you."
"And I care for everyone, and that includes you."
Salystia couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted to lean into the embrace so much. Instead she shrugged out of it and turned back around before Lily could hold her again. "You insufferable little bitch!" she lashed out, determined to get Lily to leave. "How much clearer can I be? I don't want you. You're holding me down, and frankly you're suffocating me. You're better off without me, and I'm going to be just fine without you. Now go."
"Nope."
"What do you mean nope?" Salystia asked incredulously.
"Nope. I'm not leaving you behind, and I won't let you leave me behind. Tell me already, what happened? It was your father, wasn't it?"
Salystia did collapse this time, but Lily was there halfway through the fall, catching her. "I told you already, I'll never let you fall." How could she know? She wasn't that bright, frankly.
"How..?"
"Oh come on Salystia, I'm not the naive girl you met. I do notice things, like my best friend becoming bitchy right after coming back from your last visit."
And she thought she had hid it so well. Who's the baccha? Then she noticed the two missing words that should have been in that last sentence. Not 'one of my best friends,' but 'my best friend.' She couldn't stop it from happening. She leaned in, and began making the front of Lily's uniform wet with her own tears. It wasn't all she had ever wanted to hear, but it was closer than she deserved.
"I'm not a WindGarden anymore. You don't need to treat me like some kind of princess, because I'm not. I'm not anything." She felt naked with that admission with her defenses down and unready for a strike she hoped wasn't coming, but couldn't rule out.
"So he finally disowned you?" Salystia nodded her head into Lily's shoulder. "Good. He wasn't good for you anyways. Who cares if you aren't a WindGarden anymore? You are still part of the best recon team on base, and when you put in your papers for your next tour you'll probably have your own command. You know how that happened? It wasn't because of a name. It was because of you. You are a good person, a good friend, and one of the smartest most capable people I know."
"You and your speeches." Damn if it didn't feel good hearing that. She meant something. She wasn't certain she really believed it, but that Lily did meant more than all the worldly goods she no longer owned.
"You make it easy." Were those tears dripping on her? Salystia looked up, and indeed Lily was crying. It didn't look natural. Lily always looked on the bright side, was eternally cheerful even in the heat of battle. So why?
Lily looked down and saw the questioning look on Salystia's face. "Do you think you're the only person whose felt abandoned? My mom died when I was a baby. Dad fell apart after that. I was alone, but I had Jasmine. Without her I would have been completely lost. I can only guess at how you feel. You have no one left in your family who cares about you, and you never really had any friends until after you enlisted." The tears were coming down harder now. Salystia reached up and brushed a few off Lily's face.
Salystia had already known most of that, but it never really registered how much that must have hurt Lily. It was easy to forget because of how naturally cheerful she was. It struck Salystia just how well Lily understood. Without conscious thought Salystia reached around, pulling Lily in closer. "Stop the speeches already, Dolt."
Two floors up Tavu looked down and smiled. "About time."
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