373Please respect copyright.PENANA5x25kGw5cF
蕩與退之間 -喀比373Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9Ju17HjfU
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既濕且冷,香港的冬天不會下雪,那股濕氣卻彷彿會滲入皮膚,鑽入骨頭每個微不可見的細孔。在下雪的國度也不一定感受得到這種刺骨冰寒。大概三、五、十年後,我這一輩的下代也不太感受到刺骨入寒。畢竟這個冬天也忽冷忽暖了好幾次。373Please respect copyright.PENANAfivdJAGnjL
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在我準備出發到喀比前,天氣準備回暖。但哪怕全球暖化問題和地球每一個人口也息息相關,數小時後這折磨我鼻子的天氣就再與我無關!全因據探子回報——373Please respect copyright.PENANArd8UyWPr0v
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颱風已去,喀比天朗氣清。373Please respect copyright.PENANAKbNRvt8iKS
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若不是朋友A問我要不要一起去,我也沒留意泰國有喀比這地方。373Please respect copyright.PENANAh4Ti2vKhYi
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大抵上,喀比和華欣、布吉等地帶一樣,圈一圈重點字眼:陽光、海灘、外島與水上活動。373Please respect copyright.PENANAwjkRwbLbDM
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所以當朋友A一把圖發給我時,好水的我自己心動了。畢竟我可是整個夏天沒曬到!!373Please respect copyright.PENANAGzjMtvjO0c
373Please respect copyright.PENANA0AGKLvloGX
摯友聽見淺笑一下,說我誇張,又提醒我五月不是去了回沖繩嗎?373Please respect copyright.PENANAWhg5SY2XUG
373Please respect copyright.PENANAHnx8Qn4Mje
聽罷,我立馬搖頭,拒絕認同五月去沖繩時是夏天,假像來的!無論泳池水還是海水還冷著!373Please respect copyright.PENANApMb1jLiuFY
373Please respect copyright.PENANAAM7RywZz6f
我滿心歡喜將多年前十二月的華欣氣候經驗複製成喀比的想像時,現實總要狠狠拍在你後腦,恥笑你說:想得美!373Please respect copyright.PENANAxlSD4WWLcg
373Please respect copyright.PENANAAMw00aIVt7
與因工作而遲出發的小隊結伴到度假村,搞定補登記手續,一踏入我們的小屋,安頓好行李後,我二話不說坐在池邊,指尖期待不已破開水面,伸進水裡……373Please respect copyright.PENANAYNgE5geaCi
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啊!冷的。373Please respect copyright.PENANAopJwos4Hrs
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還要是很冷那種,據經驗,入夜後氣稍跌,屆時恐怕會更冷。373Please respect copyright.PENANAyXSKdE5Vfv
373Please respect copyright.PENANAvtmslFjmoG
早游一次,晚游一次的美夢瞬間破滅了。但也不阻我的興致,朋友A在介紹行程時,我已經聽不入耳,直躺在池邊,天空一覽無遺:澄清無雲,眼底下夕陽的橘紅已被遠方的白頭浪沖洗掉,白浪漸退後,深海的墨藍漸漸染上頭頂那片天。我單腳悄然沒入池水,一踢一蕩,一踢一蕩,心花蕩漾滿池。373Please respect copyright.PENANAXfmEY9mM96
373Please respect copyright.PENANAxWVYzYsXOZ
「你們誰帶了手機走出來?」朋友E笑了出來,指著我說:「你看她高興得,我想把她拍下來。」373Please respect copyright.PENANALjONn1ctAl
373Please respect copyright.PENANA3kIo5J20FP
「才不要。」我連聲反對,擋著臉擋住稚氣,扯開話題問:「剛剛經過下面有兩個泳池,可以去嗎?」373Please respect copyright.PENANAEvnAWN9GLh
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雖然自己有泳池,但那大小我一蹬腳,還未滑行完,腳也不用踢,頭就直撞上了。我需要空間。373Please respect copyright.PENANAEtA9moju5M
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朋友A答不上我這問題,我也不多勉強,反正早上游水時頭靠在池邊踢腳也可以。373Please respect copyright.PENANA3GFPRhXbv4
373Please respect copyright.PENANAPZzNs81ANL
退而求其次。以前我總覺得這句話多多少少夾雜幾分無奈與喪氣,但當生活輾過你的軀殼,當靈魂氣若浮絲困在其中,一刻的療癒才是重點。沙漠久渴的孤獨旅人不會在意第一口水,外人給予的那一口水是清水、氣泡水還是酒水,只要能滋潤他乾涸的喉嚨,他什麼都會喝下去!興許有時候,退而求其次並非迫於無奈,而是想抓緊救命稻草的渴望。373Please respect copyright.PENANAGE73OyPPDY
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但有時候,你本人有多渴望、多需要是一回事,現實狠狠摑了你左邊臉,是鐵定不會放過你右邊臉。373Please respect copyright.PENANA8qoyiNqRSd
373Please respect copyright.PENANAvSpGaabUlb
在團友仍在熟睡時,我已忘我地趴在池邊踢腳曬了好一陣子,淋浴淨身後依然一片靜默。我悄悄拉開出泳池的閘門,坐在屋檐下的圓桌後,一字一字寫下浮在腦內的片語,忽然大腿開始痕癢了。373Please respect copyright.PENANALWewKGUfDI
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「怎麼了嗎?」我垂頭一看,痕癢泛起紅點,還沒到嚴重的地步,但確實是敏感了「幹!」373Please respect copyright.PENANARiWtOL26LW
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這一掌摑得夠響。373Please respect copyright.PENANApKr4Mji5cf
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泳池水遇上紫外線的化學作用一直會讓我皮膚過敏。我很清楚,醫生也很清楚告訴過我:你要游就去游海吧!而最諷刺我是,我小時候可是天天夜夜都池裡練水。373Please respect copyright.PENANAmVa6tW3Yka
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是衝著舊日的資本,我沒遵從醫生的告誡,畢竟要是海的水質不好,我也一樣遭殃呀!於是我不斷用身體嘗試底線,十分鐘,十五分鐘,半小時,像走離地萬呎的懸繩一樣,憋住氣,手提長棍,一步步危走。要若狂風刮來,一失平行,即如今日……373Please respect copyright.PENANAt9JuXRHlO9
373Please respect copyright.PENANA3z4Of5IBfc
我摸著突起的紅點,決定不塗任何精華/乳液下去,讓它先自行冷靜一下。連防曬也不要下,不能冒險,我還要出外島玩水!373Please respect copyright.PENANAur6GPkvodE
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潛水、浮潛、獨木舟什麼,你能想到的幾乎都有得玩,不然也可以跟滿灘浸在海中浮浮沉沉的外國男女,享受一下。373Please respect copyright.PENANAQtvR8lnbVw
373Please respect copyright.PENANA8A2BsYOtNZ
喀比很多歐美客人,這也是我惟一找到它和華欣相處的地方,沒什麼大陸遊客,不擠擁、不喧鬧,和香港截然不同。373Please respect copyright.PENANAAJiaGpX8GX
373Please respect copyright.PENANAvxYVdzCni7
浪捲起了淺層細沙,拍在腳眼,有時攀到腳肚,抒爽了烈日的灼熱。沙灘長裙早被我扯下塞到袋子深處,泳褲兩側的蝴蝶結自在在腿邊飛舞,腰間上衣下擺一圈小球為它打氣:「加油、加油!到岩穴底就可以坐下來了!」開什麼玩笑坐下來?我來玩水的欸!373Please respect copyright.PENANAuEXLgPxK3D
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叫囂,再囂張也不過是紙老虎。373Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZYDfe2k8O
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《牧羊少年奇幻之旅》有這麼一個說法:有一不一定有二,有二卻必有三。可想而知,海水水質不夠好,雜質提矛帶槍攻擊入侵的巨人,死士用尖刺的矛為助級級踩出血路!373Please respect copyright.PENANAR2OXkVfPDv
373Please respect copyright.PENANASKmCXUf0Mk
在岸上撫著刺痛刺痛的腳踝,團友都下水遠去探洞,而我則管著包包,看著外國女人穿著比堅尼,羨慕她們有前有後的豐滿身材。373Please respect copyright.PENANA2GPGijcMA3
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「曬不黑真好呢。」我嘆了一句。373Please respect copyright.PENANA8wBguGXBiq
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朋友I笑了,安慰我說:「他們退紅後可會有斑呢!」373Please respect copyright.PENANAtBwLopikFb
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這樣想起來,好像又沒什麼值得比較。373Please respect copyright.PENANAvSDWNhcjzc
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可以欣賞他人的長處,但不用羨慕別人,不用忘卻自己的喜好優勝處;可以從過去吸收經驗,但不用借此折磨自己。誰都不能回到過去,身體狀態會變,伴遊的人已變,連與孤獨的契合度也變了。人被困在前人打造陳舊的理想,被他人的過去束著頸驅前,仍要繼續鞭撻自己嗎?373Please respect copyright.PENANAihCwCZhYkV
373Please respect copyright.PENANADOqRd8OsdS
我的心思不曾告之朋友I,兩人只安靜盯著一個外國男人攀岩,岩壁上都撲滿他手上的白粉,他始終未能從右方斜斜橫攀向突出的岩角,更別惶論倒吊攀出去。不少沙灘客盯著他看,每每他摔回原點也為之可惜,每每他再度嘗試又為之屏息靜氣。373Please respect copyright.PENANAV1tR5pDhRd
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連戰火也未能團結各國人民支持和平,此刻無論不同國籍,亦難得以不同語言一致述說相同心思:他到底會成功嗎?他一定要成功啊!373Please respect copyright.PENANAZYgVM1t1Iu
373Please respect copyright.PENANA70t3x2Gclb
男人沒讓我們失望,貼著岩壁稍息片刻,他重新出發,終於避過之前的錯誤,登上巔峰。373Please respect copyright.PENANA6OX60fzS8R
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「如果有台鈴鐺就好了。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAI8Sl1oUxSs
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台下的觀眾熱情為他鼓掌,他卻不謝台,不鞠躬,撐手在腰後深鎖眉頭。墨鏡下的眼神會是怎樣?不滿自己所錯過的?成功感溢出的?還是他不過平靜回想今日種種?我不知道,這份心情如同我的心思,任旁人再激動也只會留在我們最深處。373Please respect copyright.PENANALXu1hcq7FT
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潮湧,又潮退;人來,又離去。373Please respect copyright.PENANAauqDzkHWAJ
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攀岩的人最後與伙伴隨浪退出人海,而岸上沒太多人再在意他的去向。373Please respect copyright.PENANAimx2gCAyiz
373Please respect copyright.PENANAt78A0BF9P5
好了傷疤……不對,傷疤尚未好,我便忽略痛,死心不息告別朋友I,走向沙灘的另一端。373Please respect copyright.PENANAKdUFTMrYS4
373Please respect copyright.PENANA82TwK3eT9d
轉出岩窟,穿越長灘,海風漸大,長長卷髮吹得亂七八糟。果然電影主角美美走在海灘都是騙人的!我搖搖頭,讓頭髮順風吹到身後,勾走背上胸前暑熱。373Please respect copyright.PENANA8fSe1PVgCV
373Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8nQzhdFY7
沙漸漸變得幼細,軟綿綿撫著腳底。它在自己身上留痕,蜿蜒指向大海,誘惑我走近點,再走近些計,嗅嗅母親白髮間的清香,用雙腳為她梳理一下髮尾。373Please respect copyright.PENANA8Z9NyY3gxs
373Please respect copyright.PENANAMbTmKkMDKE
我忍耐著,對它如下蠱媚言塞耳不聞,故意彎身撿下沙粒中半露臉兒的貝殼。缺半的,完整的,大的,小的,「我活過,我走了。」這樣的存在輕輕抵在手心,了無生氣被遺忘裹在我的拳裡。373Please respect copyright.PENANAP4zkbpxMHS
373Please respect copyright.PENANAi2KGPMxIiX
這回,我昂頭走向柔順湧來的浪,驕傲地展現誰都不能命令蠱惑我的氣勢,垂眼看浪扯著不知好歹的細沙離去。我蹲下來,默默盯著它試探性的只湧到兩步距離前,不敢前進,伸出拳頭默默招著它來。終於,幾回試探,它熱情湧來,我亦藉此清洗著拳中貝殼。373Please respect copyright.PENANALxGeCxYoHI
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沙石既退,胭脂紅、橘白相搭、素白泛光,生前死後漂亮依舊。373Please respect copyright.PENANAqzmZ6PVnZK
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我將貝殼嵌入細沙,大大小小,隨機圍成一大圈。373Please respect copyright.PENANAB8urd3TNW5
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浪湧來,又退去;沙沖上,又後退;影子與貝殼圈烙在沙上,最後我仍是望著貝殼跟著他們,來了又離去,不再留下活著的痕跡。373Please respect copyright.PENANAvRU7MO9Pyf
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在喀比,我與水注定是一對暗地私會的情侶,在暗處心驚膽跳躲避追殺,就只為了片刻相擁熱吻,綿綿情話無法講盡,天將亮,分別即在眼前。朋友A曾問我:「沒辦法下水,難過嗎?」我笑笑答:「我有下,只是不能長。而且……」晃晃手中酒杯沒把話說盡。373Please respect copyright.PENANA39RYpG1jfd
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這趟旅程除了玩水,酒水也是我所在意一環。373Please respect copyright.PENANA4KDemkifnq
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我們每晚都在喝,在酒吧回去以後再喝,在餐廳回去以後繼續喝。我和兩個本來會約喝的朋友晚晚圍在池邊圓桌調酒,「這比例後勁有點強……」、「這酒味輕點比較順口。」、「這像果汁一樣失敗了!」類像的對話不斷出現。試想像看看,為了看星我們在泳池會關上所有燈,屋裡的也關掉,三個人圍著圓桌只能開手機的手電筒照明,朋友E偷拍了一張相,恰似巫師施法會一樣。373Please respect copyright.PENANAkRtMz1btrZ
373Please respect copyright.PENANAOlm8wKIp9M
晚上盡慶在杯中弄星把月到三時,人人帶著幾分醉意寫意墜入夢鄉,而我七八時左右準時開眼,酒醒過後全無睡意。373Please respect copyright.PENANA9VoSdBab3M
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真的是酒關係嗎?捫心自問,我清楚這是睡眠問題,與酒無關。但,酒精悉數在血液揮發後,我確是會清醒得可怕。於是換了泳裝,我又去幽會。373Please respect copyright.PENANAIiZnZ2qeI4
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日光和煦,誰能抗拒這種吸引?373Please respect copyright.PENANAcMbBuzUffw
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我開了音樂,把聲音調低,再三提醒自己只有三首歌的時間。隨之以腳尖試一試水溫,微寒。毫無懸念,不予以心理準備,我插身下水。想在水裡暖和,辦法有二:喝酒或動起久。我選擇後者,伏在池邊緩緩踢腿。水浪輕蕩聲,雞啼,還有……373Please respect copyright.PENANAgCoJwUcgMi
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嗡一聲快速從左方竄過,我回頭一望,什麼都沒有。又嗡一聲由右方閃過頭頂,這回我望見真身。一隻又黑又大又胖的蜜蜂停在柱上,又不甘寂寞閃在池上。373Please respect copyright.PENANAnZk1fuZubO
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該掩耳嗎?373Please respect copyright.PENANAfRCD9yfxu5
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我還未能從踢腿與掩耳之間作出選擇,蜜蜂已駐足在太陽下的柱上。373Please respect copyright.PENANAbqT6QXfAUY
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敵不動,我不動,繼續原來動作。373Please respect copyright.PENANAy38lRLwK9H
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一隻飛蟲飄過,怕是昨夜太想不開投河自盡,我連水掬起它,托棺似的將牠送回歸屬處。這念頭讓我想到回程時我一幕。373Please respect copyright.PENANA4xQhoYL22O
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大部分團友抵不過一日攀岩涉水的行程,車廂裡一片寂靜,除了司機播放動感十足的泰文歌,就只有輕輕的呼吸聲。373Please respect copyright.PENANA6ThwY2s29m
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忽然,一陣喇叭聲傳來。我往後一瞥,只見車側用鮮花包圍著的棺材車徐徐後來。我不想惹什麼鬼片情節上身,有所避忌掰開視線。373Please respect copyright.PENANAIACVGdV0c0
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未幾坐副駕座的朋友A感慨開口說:「有時我很羨慕泰國人辦喪禮可以熱熱鬧鬧。香港現在連對死亡也匆匆忙忙,沒了這份尊重。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAhph8HeTMvp
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「香港也有儀式啊!」373Please respect copyright.PENANANk1Uj5My01
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「是為儀式而做的儀式,並不是為亡者準備的儀式。」朋友A隨之答道,見我還未睡,便百無禁忌聊起來。反正泰國的鬼應該聽不懂廣東話(誤)「你知道嗎?長洲有個地方讓過身我島民暫且安放、辦儀式。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAYzcwe0KBmG
373Please respect copyright.PENANAIvwfmPl6ec
我點點頭,長洲沒多大,去玩時一定經過,我甚至見過船載遺體出入。373Please respect copyright.PENANAmvk1XJIwwc
373Please respect copyright.PENANAJEpLUSyxQV
「以前長洲辦喪用鮮花,會各之全島人,道盡死者一生,記念他。人和人之間、鄰舍關係體現出來,可現在……」373Please respect copyright.PENANAyqXY9aA18M
373Please respect copyright.PENANAO3dOtG5Afs
「只有亞洲人要熱鬧宣之天下這樣去安葬,尤其老一輩。新一代不流行這套,生前被稅項、信用卡貸款、生洛種種搾壓,死後還要被敲一筆嗎?門都沒有。簡單就好了。不少人有這種心態。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAJz6TwjPHIW
373Please respect copyright.PENANAewBUO8O7hr
「儀式可以不辦,但總要大家悼念一下……」373Please respect copyright.PENANAmLq6pJh9vJ
373Please respect copyright.PENANAR34mxLYoVe
「如果是我,我倒不用大家悼念,火化後撒海。我生時父母宣告交際圈,結婚要為親朋戚友做足準備,死就讓我痛快一點,也私人一點。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAt6htJ6JCGi
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「難道你死了就不想大家知道嗎?」373Please respect copyright.PENANAmHTzwLqRnh
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「立即知道,一年後、甚至十年後才知道也改變不到狀況,亦不會影響到人生活。況且,生時為他人準備種種,到死也不能為自己身後作準備,也要滿足大家悼念我的需要,太可悲了。」373Please respect copyright.PENANA4NqxLiWCeO
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池邊那攤水莫名波動,泛起日光,拉回我心神。373Please respect copyright.PENANABAoTeNYJV0
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只見飛蟲離開了池,背可觸地,馬上掙扎。竟然是未死透。好不容易翻過身,即便飛走。373Please respect copyright.PENANASqnaAMJH2l
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意想不到,我忽然想起拳中色彩斑爛的貝殼,潮脹時活過,飄蕩間走了,繼而又在浪退時換個方式存在。有關死亡向來也是人意想不到,不然哪來各派宗教說法。373Please respect copyright.PENANAme7g0kqcSz
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我決定不再想這老朋友,扔身於水中,背一觸水顯得份外暖和,而我盡情望著蔚藍天空,蕩浮沉。373Please respect copyright.PENANAIZV2xStuAU
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短短的旅途比三首歌更快略過去。373Please respect copyright.PENANAjvesq3os2m
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我們選擇了早上飛機班次一同離開喀比,前一晚一樣喝到凌晨,稍睡片刻,大家都起床看日出。373Please respect copyright.PENANAR63qtDOtJO
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難得我和團友我起床時間都差不多時間,各自坐在沙灘椅看著雲霞慢慢燒紅,漸漸燒著夜幕的下擺。太陽尚未出來,我們也無緣望到它出來就必須到機場,但天邊漸漸變的澄黃。373Please respect copyright.PENANAGd5lxaWHfW
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「還有一顆星。」朋友A突然冒了句。373Please respect copyright.PENANAejO7El4VfO
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「嗯。」373Please respect copyright.PENANAKMzWtcmxVm
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其後,除了那隻雞,沒人願意再打破安靜。373Please respect copyright.PENANAk84E1azUvY
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那顆星是來送別的吧!好歹我們也徹夜把酒觀星了好些晚上,讚美它們的閃亮,交情算是不錯吧!373Please respect copyright.PENANAxyLtdQjeHr
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那顆星眨眨眼,拒絕回應這問題。373Please respect copyright.PENANAHzuqm6RYoD
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我沒咄咄逼人的意思,在旅程的尾聲有星相送還苛求什麼?但朋友啊!揮過手就轉身走好了。在蕩與退之間再習慣孤寂也別落單,別獨自守著空蕩蕩的夜空,別忘了回歸到你同伴身邊啊!373Please respect copyright.PENANAa19PXLC4tQ
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