I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvBfdwY7RO
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxm7RCzm3JS
It’s New Year’s Eve!310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuElwBjexy
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1qZ9VZANm
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6iGiBDqJ0f
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnO41QbnDLN
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEGmYmuwAp
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhNPmmRdy7
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0fZlsFdrY
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MYl99eCSB
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWBL59WSh9
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ468jdzSLEH
God, what the hell am I thinking?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wMvYyan2t
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ons5fOcj0
310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPLeZePoeY
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32zGjtrkei
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDf0h1WWa3
Why did I come here?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKFyxU7PDd
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRCrFLYknj
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5rMER9nTu
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHgrhMLWNF
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcRYKXFdUh
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ghPuA8DEC
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1qDMNFybU
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGcd8XPQKv
Fuck.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXoRcbEtHmi
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa5nor5hRh
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPhKQPlmspt
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZ1wCDsgOt
What do I even say back?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZp2rEqTPgN
Lie?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFMfOZL94O
“What? I’d never.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcrp6bSVTF
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiKnKcGC34z
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIRPahn5rl
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMDHAOBkcp
Okay, so lying didn’t work.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZlMFKRU75
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqo7ehavZ3B
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJT8PJnQBe
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiFTl0ZC9fE
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3nQGfLPJK
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXdt23Jaua
I can’t take it.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbOAvlkypx
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsnqOSw3X0
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qoG762vOz
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vfF8KkWy8
“We can do the countdown out here.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOELt1OQ0mS
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpEQ0Jd73D
I swallow.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYvJsI8DWB
“Just the two of us?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn1b4c12FMV
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FwXwKCO6L
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZlQx9iSje
“Why does it matter?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFHMMr1vKjm
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi2TUClkpt
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhVrq0JM5j
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngM6ezKFwb
“Rozzlyn.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdMZ8lbW8e
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCCBbji3JI
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoBXiSQFtb
Jesus Christ.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDD1s3Y8mcm
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrT6hhM6KGn
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAkyXEiRlG
His eyebrows furrow.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2Mn9Dyx8M
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmXlntpkdt
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfAQKfyayVI
“What does that mean?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7zXRp2aUP
“Where’s Nadia?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguQHZvZkHO
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhOaHEhxmV
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHbBdFuPDVb
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4B0ypMI1x
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GFt3HN2Y6
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2yAchchDe
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidsUny42JY
It’s all I’m worth.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡih0YFkiqnO
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1IGA9sJnns
I’m empty.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8cFVi6GFf
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUFugDJ7zi
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsqVDehi65
“You stupid, stupid woman.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8o1tt3Cxan
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6TRE80htr
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPwdfr93YM
Is this real?310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEbinWe0pn
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDAOS2IotS
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDwmTS0bbtQ
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiIaWXpH8O
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkImMt7t11R
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWmS20yqLh
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe068kY8rZC
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjJpkKWkkA
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlr8bpgpY7
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOnPHoZZPS
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwRhhsCgNS
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqGEdIgX8z
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBTGYeH0q6
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzUmnjhH7i
I’ve never wanted anything more.
310Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiIGQ84yrs
