I Miss You 

     

I miss you everyday

With everything that I am

The sadness is drowning 

And the loneliness is draining

The crying validates both 

Sometimes it feels like you never left 

And other times it feels like you never even existed 

I look at pictures of you

And even those don't seem real

I swear sometimes I think you're here 

It almost feels like 

I can still text you and you'll respond

I can call and you'll answer

I'll be at work and you'll be there too 

But you're not

You're gone and not coming back

When it finally hit me

That you were never coming back

I stopped crying 

I stopped thinking 

I just stopped 

And I haven't started again 

I know I will soon 

It's a lot of waiting 

It's a lot of empty staring into nothing 

And it's a lot of pretending

 

Pretending I don't think about it 

Every second of every day 

Pretending I'm happy 

Pretending to smile

Pretending I have any perception 

Of time and memory 

Pretending I have thoughts 

Other than you

It's a lot harder when there's someone to blame

For taking you away 

You would be so mad at how this all happened 

If it wasn't you 

You would have done everything you could to make sure she got the time she deserves for killing two innocent people

For killing your best friend

But I can't do that

I don't even want to know her name 

I never want to see her face 

I'll never get that closure I need 

I don't want it

It's not fair that I didn't say goodbye 

It's not fair you left this world

Knowing you weren't loved back

It's not fair you'll never get those tattoos 

It's not fair you never had a chance

Not one chance to be happy 

You never got to grow out your hair

And it's not fair 

We will never get to go on those trips We had planned 5 years in advance 

And it's not fair that I'm left with nothing 

But the ghost of you

When I think about myself in the future

Without you 

I can sometimes see myself as an optimist 

And other times I don't see anything

And sometimes i forget your gone 

And I even see you in it

I know I will stop thinking about you 

I'm terrified of the idea 

That I won't stop thinking about you

I can't change anything that happened 

Im slowly accepting that

You loved me

I hope 

I hope you're finally where everyone is

I hope you're where you want to be

Your bright place 

I want to find mine now

I'll always miss you

Ily