December 28, 1994
It's been over two months since I've last gone home and I know that my presence is not needed. I know that home will not feel like home anymore, but I still wonder if it'll be okay to go back home. To go back home and lay in bed next to you, and hear you say beautiful things to me. Things like, "I miss you, I long for you, I adore and need you".
December 29, 1994
The essence of us still remains there. It remains within the walls, the sheets, and overall that place.....I should stay here for now.
January 3, 1995
I spent the new year alone. I feel trap. I feel a sense of longing for you but I know it's no use. Regardless of that my heart wants to find you and go to you. To feel your warmth and to feel your hand in mines. I still remember those nights high on LSD, staring at nothing; feeling the wall breathe, feeling your arms suffocating my waist.
January 7, 1995
I have been drinking and sleeping a lot lately. My sister doesn't understand it. She thinks there is something wrong with me. She asked me recently " Why do you sleep so much?" I don't know I guess it's just my way of escaping reality. Sleeping to me is just in between living and dying, it's just my way of dealing with things. It's also the closest thing I'll ever get to seeing you again. Some nights when I close my eyes I can see and feel you. I hear you too. Hearing you tell me about your day, what you ate, telling me things I know I won't remember when I wake up. I miss you. I miss being in the gloom of the day with you.
January 11, 1995
This tiny little life of mine decided to search the street for something familiar. I went to a couple of shops that we use to go to but they all felt like a vague distant memory. I'll try again tomorrow.
January 15, 1995
I wish you could see how beautiful the city is. It's this windy and rainy afternoon. It looks beautiful. I love how the rain coats the city in glitter and grey clouds. I wish you were here.
January 16, 1995
Honestly, I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sad. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
January 17, 1995
I went to the streets again to search for something different and I've seen your face in the face of strangers. Isn't that funny? Maybe my vision is failing me after all but the way those strangers smiled at me is reminiscing of how you use to smile at me; with gentleness and love.
January 20, 1995
I really thought I was dying the other day, I just felt this painful knife twisting feeling in my chest. It hurts so much. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't move for hours. I felt this sick feeling in my stomach; like a mixture of nausea and butterflies. Felt like trying to breathe underwater...it's hard to explain. I wish I held you longer. Yeah, that's it, I just want to hold you in my arms like before so that I can feel your breath on my skin once more. I just want to feel the way how I felt before our parting. I wished I didn't take us for granted. I wish I love you with a sense of urgency in the knowledge that you would be gone one day. I wish I was a better person for you.
January 23, 1995
Lately, I've been thinking about how cruel life is. How unfair and unjust life is. To have the world introduced you to me, to allow you to possess all of my attention, to allow our lives to intertwine only to take you away. How cruel. It felt like a tease, like giving a starving child a taste. I miss you. I need you. I am nothing. I feel uncomfortable with my life. I forgot who I was before you. Was I even anyone before you. I'm lost. I've lost a trace of my stability and myself.
January 24, 1995
God, please help me for I am weak. Please bring him back.
January 30, 1995
This month been really hard.
February 4, 1995
I haven't been good.
February 14, 1995
They say that the process of grief is the longest one. I've been trying my best to document my feelings but lately, everything just feels heavy and melancholic. I can't decide whether I'm sad, numb, or angry. I feel stuck. I feel out of control. I just feel ...this nervousness..like this pit. When I try to explain it the words just won't come out. Anyway, I went to my friend's house the other day in tears. I asked her "What am I suppose to do now?" She said, " Time will heal everything." I really hate that. She just doesn't understand.
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