My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 169Please respect copyright.PENANAiwTorY9wND
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAyIllJdP19m
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)169Please respect copyright.PENANAYRiylcNwUa
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."169Please respect copyright.PENANAFImUIyrVLz
Hmm... 169Please respect copyright.PENANAMQkkHSBLca
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 169Please respect copyright.PENANACcIraNXnGJ
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 169Please respect copyright.PENANApo5VL02T29
"You can have have all the adult toys."169Please respect copyright.PENANAZh3QAG7vWy
Except for the pecker enhancer!169Please respect copyright.PENANAuJLuWmXOB7
"That's all I need..."169Please respect copyright.PENANAZqB9ZOYlKV
"Wait!"169Please respect copyright.PENANA40NSAIcA6K
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?169Please respect copyright.PENANAYUGYgPIfvx
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 169Please respect copyright.PENANA5mvuun5dbj
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 169Please respect copyright.PENANAh83UC2A7Zs
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)169Please respect copyright.PENANAB2NFtaPTUe
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAIZPEVYYSrc
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"169Please respect copyright.PENANAtwJD9sbsqx
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!169Please respect copyright.PENANAGumBQP3UC2
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?169Please respect copyright.PENANA8MhDLoQ259
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!169Please respect copyright.PENANAhizbUZq0gy
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 169Please respect copyright.PENANAqGFoqUfCL2
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...169Please respect copyright.PENANATJeVgbrgOk
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...169Please respect copyright.PENANA9fnpOBGk0A
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you169Please respect copyright.PENANAKu25e742jG
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.169Please respect copyright.PENANA7mtPeYIQ6s
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.169Please respect copyright.PENANAOgF5ontBmx
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"169Please respect copyright.PENANA1IULDNHn9T
(Sarah laughs)169Please respect copyright.PENANALyyTa662K5
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."169Please respect copyright.PENANALbxphHfH4r
"Gosh Darn!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAma5e726GXy
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...169Please respect copyright.PENANAFOiKYg0hJG
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 169Please respect copyright.PENANAVAd1evEdHv
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)169Please respect copyright.PENANAnxDsYUBNOd
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"169Please respect copyright.PENANARFAAaMZXJW
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 169Please respect copyright.PENANAWJKMVIwXvo
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."169Please respect copyright.PENANAstvk8sTWrg
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 169Please respect copyright.PENANA4UuXyW3YLI
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.169Please respect copyright.PENANADjNMh9Wz0b
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...169Please respect copyright.PENANAHbBif4o3K7
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"169Please respect copyright.PENANAdFk5NoLrQr
(Sarah says what)169Please respect copyright.PENANA0nYjZ6JNYk
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."169Please respect copyright.PENANAvw4gk0ROIF
(he laughs and Sarah winks)169Please respect copyright.PENANAJU29LWqh4w
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 169Please respect copyright.PENANA4bLzQQ7x2N
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 169Please respect copyright.PENANA0TEfkCNweb
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAYp2007LF3z
(Keith laughs hard)169Please respect copyright.PENANAlVTxJk8lfS
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"169Please respect copyright.PENANA3lQzZbB7WS
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.169Please respect copyright.PENANALcaBgkORF7
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)169Please respect copyright.PENANAcuJKO6IdH1
Honey,169Please respect copyright.PENANAB9O0EcSNS9
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 169Please respect copyright.PENANAlA7Ky2IBsP
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?169Please respect copyright.PENANA4Dnu0MvaXe
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!169Please respect copyright.PENANAlPDs37xI9H
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)169Please respect copyright.PENANALSbKTN4cxb
Keith says,169Please respect copyright.PENANANBLk22M2zB
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?169Please respect copyright.PENANANaD6KWsW2f
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."169Please respect copyright.PENANANxLIU4GdeJ
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)169Please respect copyright.PENANAL4PXqdRsqI
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 169Please respect copyright.PENANAHb3wdZGyFP
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"169Please respect copyright.PENANACDBDTnjK0T
"Ground beef!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAMezZHQfOdn
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.169Please respect copyright.PENANAWGoePripls
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 169Please respect copyright.PENANAL1Y0l210hl
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 169Please respect copyright.PENANAI9d1Q7YZxv
Lawsuits.169Please respect copyright.PENANARseFlMzqeF
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.169Please respect copyright.PENANAHyszhkr6dH
Keith's friends knew him as the 169Please respect copyright.PENANA3utRwGIPYx
Clown Jester of Bakersville.169Please respect copyright.PENANAMtgWYJwv0F
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 169Please respect copyright.PENANACOabX4UEXM
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"169Please respect copyright.PENANAIhHiHsD7ri
Because he was so outstanding in his field!169Please respect copyright.PENANA81kMEEJGSG
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.169Please respect copyright.PENANAyIn0yifxrf
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.169Please respect copyright.PENANA0HltddkFH8
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 169Please respect copyright.PENANAoNVcY3daql
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.169Please respect copyright.PENANA0nCmlu4L5k
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"169Please respect copyright.PENANAXaUc54PuU1
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.169Please respect copyright.PENANAFIm0CRsKRK
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.169Please respect copyright.PENANABh8P89GRJd
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 169Please respect copyright.PENANA4nWV3qgO8I
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.169Please respect copyright.PENANAPVcRJlATAW
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 169Please respect copyright.PENANAmk33vRC2WS
Having heard them all before, many times.169Please respect copyright.PENANAfUUkd1z7ik
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.169Please respect copyright.PENANAFqarHw6nWr
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 169Please respect copyright.PENANAeTdvQyaJbn
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.169Please respect copyright.PENANAmEPY17j4Mm
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 169Please respect copyright.PENANA4Wvd26gImH
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.169Please respect copyright.PENANANSdVaBRH5Q
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.169Please respect copyright.PENANA5ShKYK40jK
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.169Please respect copyright.PENANA0Z80D1Cwqm
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.169Please respect copyright.PENANAlMk0riPjy7
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.169Please respect copyright.PENANAyqkkX2iAZi
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.169Please respect copyright.PENANAild7qq9fte
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.169Please respect copyright.PENANA5UsjpLkOCT
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.169Please respect copyright.PENANAqpxyJOUaLv
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.169Please respect copyright.PENANAUKgufcoE22
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)169Please respect copyright.PENANAPXxIb4hziz
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!169Please respect copyright.PENANAXnLJC3yBtm
(audience chuckles)169Please respect copyright.PENANAfxXFDTe3qD
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."169Please respect copyright.PENANAD4YhWYf4zW
I haven't heard from him since.169Please respect copyright.PENANAw6taOUbOU8
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."169Please respect copyright.PENANAUZmqoZeNLk
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.169Please respect copyright.PENANAqPH6TEInXk
(audience laughing)169Please respect copyright.PENANAsTyAJPrPTX
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 169Please respect copyright.PENANA3Q7EzdhkOp
She still isn't talking to me.169Please respect copyright.PENANALA7zh6PT1R
(Keith smiles)169Please respect copyright.PENANATm9qsn1l5l
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'169Please respect copyright.PENANARrywZ7umau
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 169Please respect copyright.PENANANj06t5vwgp
but I am on the fence!169Please respect copyright.PENANAmJ6BoseDct
(audience laughing hard)169Please respect copyright.PENANAwIYb1zPN3P
[He gets on a roll]169Please respect copyright.PENANAW32ZMxAeLe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 169Please respect copyright.PENANAsAL5VQCUfF
She gave me a hug!169Please respect copyright.PENANA7JNUb8sSeM
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."169Please respect copyright.PENANAWp76VOhQ9D
Hey!169Please respect copyright.PENANAhJxp2Pa29H
What is the worst combination of illnesses?169Please respect copyright.PENANAGNOWGBhAg7
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."169Please respect copyright.PENANAmUMF7cOtdi
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"169Please respect copyright.PENANA2RM359dZZR
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"169Please respect copyright.PENANAQbLctdt9HO
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."169Please respect copyright.PENANAjyMi8XPbXi
How do you get a squirrel to like you?169Please respect copyright.PENANAQGfCp6K92Y
Act like a nut.169Please respect copyright.PENANAZdOEC7NGdY
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.169Please respect copyright.PENANAOiADMmAhok
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.169Please respect copyright.PENANArUwJHOFyf3
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.169Please respect copyright.PENANA2Nn5nzq3Av
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 169Please respect copyright.PENANA9PP6vyYH0Z
So I Left.169Please respect copyright.PENANAMqXtGjDdm6
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.169Please respect copyright.PENANAe9ECBavCW7
"The steaks were pretty high!"169Please respect copyright.PENANA7vQUuGQRo1
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."169Please respect copyright.PENANA72G60QaIY5
Goodnight!"169Please respect copyright.PENANAUBhkkqhsFY
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)169Please respect copyright.PENANAxOkI9tS9Py
He went home happier169Please respect copyright.PENANADRTmSbOimS
than he ever
Dreamed!169Please respect copyright.PENANASzRQjsWVJn
169Please respect copyright.PENANA7W9ycNiYUs
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.178.98da2