Like many writers, I have a bit of a dislike for rewriting. Well, not for the thing itself, but starting to rewrite is such a pain. Opening a book you've written a while ago, is a little like biting into a chocolate you don't know the filling off. It might be delicious, or your little brother might have filled it with toothpaste. You just don't know, which is scary.

But now it's time to face that fear. There's this book I've been working on. It's a bit of a passion project. However, my first version is a super rough draft, and I have a list of things I want to change, need to correct a bunch of grammar and just generally need to get to work.

So yesterday I took a first look at my document, and it wasn't that bad. It had the mistakes I expected, but some dialogue genuinely made me smile. It gives me hope that this book might actually have potential to become what I want it to be. But of course, you never fully know until you bite into the chocolate.

A few friends and I had a conversation about writing once, and we compared it to chiseling away at a sculpture, because there's always need for a questionable metaphor about a totally non-related art from. I kind of like that look at writing, though. It takes a lot of small edits to take shape. Sometimes you mess up so much that it's not worth the effort, but some stories can turn into something pretty if you just give them the time and love they need.

"Genius rises and falls faster than you can say Ritz cheese crackers."

Do you ever just fucking feel like crying? For no apparent reason at all?

The past 20 minutes I've just wanted to cry. Why? I have no idea. But I do.

Fuck it was legit my birthday I've had an amazing fucking day. Its so weird and conflicting :/

LIKE, why the hell do I feel like this. Like I've had a lot of shit happen the past few days but what the hell.

Dialogue

nothing more nothing less

"No matter how hard your dreams seem, keep going. You might even have to climb up the side of a building in downtown LA, but it'll all be worth it at the top."

When I first stepped onto the soil of the Netherlands, I was struck by a canvas painted with broad strokes of sophistication and quaint charm—a sort of pastoral modernity that captures the eye and the heart. The cities, resplendent with their mix of historic canals and sleek, contemporary architecture, seemed to echo the past while proudly proclaiming their place in the future. Amsterdam's labyrinthine waterways, Utrecht’s bustling streets, and Rotterdam's daring designs: each city a chapter in a storybook that promises more than just a glimpse into the Dutch way of life.

The Dutch themselves are an embodiment of this beautiful paradox. Polite and respectful, with an easy smile and a readiness to help, they move through their cities with graceful efficiency. Cyclists whir by in a blur of activity, epitomising a healthy and environmentally conscious lifestyle. It's hard not to admire their striking balance between calm composure and vibrant living. Whether it's the stunningly handsome or the effortlessly beautiful, their appearance seems to reflect their lifestyle—active, healthy, and incredibly welcoming.

Language, often a barrier thick as a fortress wall in many countries, is a mere curtain here, brushed aside with ease as nearly everyone switches to English with a fluency that is both impressive and a relief, despite knowing some Dutch myself. This linguistic agility opened up avenues of deeper connection and understanding during my stay, culminating in a medical academic conference where I stood as a speaker. Presenting on intricate matters of clinical medicine and novel surgical technology, surrounded by peers equally adept in their fields, I felt a seamless part of a global dialogue—a testament to the country’s inclusive and internationally minded spirit.

The culinary landscape in the Netherlands, much like its physical one, is a delightful surprise. From the hearty, comforting stroopwafels and bitterballen to the exquisite Michelin-starred offerings that dot the cities, the Dutch palette is as varied as it is delicious. Each meal is an invitation not just to taste but to savour and remember.

And oh, the vistas! Fields punctuated by the vivid hues of tulip blooms in the spring, the serene stretches of the countryside dotted with windmills and farmhouses, and the sea kissing the shores with a dutiful regularity. Each view seems to whisper a story of its own, a silent narrative that begs you to stop and listen with your eyes.

As my journey concluded, a certain melancholy took hold—the kind reserved for the end of delightful days and memorable sojourns. With its intriguing blend of old-world charm and new-age dynamism, the Netherlands had etched itself into my memory, inviting, almost imploring, for a return. And return I shall, for how could one resist such a hearty embrace of life and living? Indeed, the Dutch have mastered the art of inviting you in and making you yearn for just one more day in their picturesque land.

dear diary, its 04/22

SOOO A LOT CHANGED LIKE I SAIDDDD!!!

me nd L arent friends anymore. so this thing happened with a guy and she was having a panic attack over roblox and I told him cus i was worried and she got mad and blocked me and I also told her santa wasn't real bc apparently she didn't know and she got so mad so like shes lit a kid so idfc anymore abt being friends w her it was kinda immature on my part to be 14 and friends w an 11 year old.

i don't rlly play fortnite anymore, I'm tryna get back into it bc i miss it.

i also had like a short friendship with this guy ill call him "I' and basically he was super like idek he had crazy attachment (i do too but not this crazy i have boundaries) and within like 2 days he was telling me he loved me and saying "u better not be talking to other guys" and making me feel rlly uncomfortable in general. and ig most of it was my fault because I didn't wanna say anything so I js let him tell me those things i didn't tell him to stop and i js like was over it and i told him i didn't wanna be friends and i was rlly strict w it because after i told him that he was like "() don't leave me" and its js a crazy situation in general. i feel like i got a little attached also bc after the fact i kept checking to see if he messaged but i stopped doing that so yeaaaa anyways.

UPDATE: i dated that one guy. relationship lasted a couple weeks, we broke up js before our  1 mnth and i think he's like deadass gay now bc on tikyapp he was reposting how he's queer so uhm like i swear he confessed to me first bro. its always me falling for the zesty guys smh. KILL ME NOW

friends: m, b, k,

ive been so absolutely stressed lately, all my assignemtns are wack, its the 2 weeks off from school and ive still been bombarded with work. a whole business report that was due last sunday i spent half my fucking rest from school stressing over, my art homework i havent even looked at, my english extension 1 fucking thousand word short story which im almost certain i goofed up beyond belief, 2 whole novellas for english advanced, remember, i was given TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS. business studies only gave me ONE. im STRAPPED for time. as well as hanging out with my boyfriend, hanging out with my family, my birthday, my sisters birthday, i signed up for the gym as well close to my house because i kept having the worst fucking breakdowns to mum about my mental health and shit id get from my sister for totally nothing. i couldnt take it anymore. oh and to replace E, we're friends with K now. from the easter show, idk if i mentioned him or not, its not like anyone is actually paying attention to whatever im yapping about.

last friday i was hanging out with B and we bought condoms in town and we wnet back to hijs place to try them out. they were cappuccino "flavoured" but actaully it just tasted like nothing but holy crap could you smell it. he tried putting it in and we couldnt work out what we were doing wrong (we're both virgins btw, never come this far). i postioned him to yknow like my entrance and all he had to do was breach it n boom both our first times but it hurt like a BITCH like holy fuck OUCH i couldnt do it, i cried and cried it hurt so bad. thats all im gonna say bc im still just a kid (happy 16th birthday me btw) n exposing so much like this on the internet it weird, im only doing it bc im anonymous.

we were supposed to hang out on the following sunday but couldnt bc his dad said his mum said she just wanted time to herself n obviously i was heartbroken bc i spent ages convincing my parents to visit again on such short notice but fine, if she needed a rest day then so be it, i couldnt be mad. until it come out that she didnt say that, his dad was straight up fucking lying. so whats the issue??? what did i do??? i barely even see that dude and whenever i do its always been positive. so what, he just doesnt want me in his house??? own up to it then, dont blame it on your wife dawg geez louise.

so obviously B was pissed and we scheduled another hang out on tuesday (yesterday) so that everyone would have plenty of notice and cant cancel or fuck anything up. keep in mind B works like forever, 5 day weeks, always like 8~9 hours (i reckon thats illegal for someone of his age but wtv.). i ask him times bc its always usually 12-5 but this time it was 3.30 (the time his mum gets off work) til 8.30, i was staying for dinner. some reason his dads got this weirdo creep paranoia that if his little wife isnt in the house when i am, im gonna accuse him of RAPING ME???? has that happened before, Joe??? are you projecting??? Joe?? i dont even see him when i am over, hes always in his room and im NEVER away from B??? god knows what his issue is but thats why i couldnt be over til his mum came home. anyways, i baked cookies for B's family as a thank you for housing me all the time and always an 'i love you' bc B always does stuff for me n i hardly return the favour (he doesnt let me). its almost close to 3pm and i ask B when his mum gets off bc he said "like 3.30~4 usually" earlier, i was checking if there was a definitive time now. he messaged back sayinh he hates his parents and they can suck ass bc AGAIN the plans were RUINED. she agreed to work until SIX and she didnt want me over bc then she'd have to take me home again (my mum can pick me up?? that was never out of the picture??) so i was absolutely distressed at this because AGAIN?? i was SO EXCITED we were hanging out, i was losing my mind. i cried like a baby. it was embarrassing.

its wednesday now, B, with his totally full schedule of work and work and work and sleep decided to go out with his little boyfriends out bowling! then go to work then go for a little boyfriend homoerotic sleepover! frankly i was pissed. i was so jealous that his little friends got to see him and i didnt. it wasnt fair. the only reason i was ever leaving thw house was for B and i couldnt bc B has so much work all the time. and here he is, with spare time, spending it with other people. not even spending 5 minutes with me. not even messaging me. yeah sure maybe one or two messages but thats not good enough. and now i cant call him because hes gonna get bummed by his friends (my ex boyfriend will be there too! its his house! the one that bullied me after he dumped me! and got his other friend to get in on it to! both will be there, how amazing!)

i've been treating B like absolute dogshit and i cant tell if its my whacked out hormones, the stress of school work, lack of sleep or what. i get mad at him, i dry text him, i go mute and he has to put up with it. i addressed it last night and he said "yeah i noticed, i just let it slide, im being patient w you ik youre stressed" like thank you baby but WHAT you noticed?? and said nothing?? you let it slide??!! :( felt awful, i apologised a million times over but i still feel awful. somethings wrong with me.

he was at tenpin today and my sister (his ex, idk if i mentioned it but i lost readers due to lack of interest so idc anymore) decided to go to for her best friend to see her boyfriend (who lives in sydney now, hes down for the week) and i was STRESSING. i dont know why, B loves me so dearly but i keep thinking back to everythng my sister used to cry at me when i was just dating him and i freak out. theres a pit in my stomach just remembering it all.

it got particularly bad when he got home from bowling and said he was having a sleepover. i cried and cried, i was sobbing and got into an arguementn with my mother bc i wasnt contributing anything. its my sisters birthday so she wanted me showered and dressed to go for dinner but i felt so shit i didnt wanna go, i kept crying, snotting n wailing. i couldnt walk 5 steps without sobbing a little. i took a panadol for my headache and all i could think of were the intrusive (not impulsive!) thoughts telling me to overdose, telling me i dont deserve anyone around me, im such an asshole that they'd all genuinely be better off without all my drama and negativity. it was hard swallowing the panadol, i didnt know if i was strong enough to not take them all and just push through.

i didnt, obviously. but it was hard. i still dont feel all there.

im only writing this because i was talking to J about how im overthinking a lot and all my thoughts are in my head and she told me to write it down like my english teacher said all those months ago. i didnt immediately, but this was the breaking point. i cant keep thinking and not writing it down anymore. if i had more time id be more consistent but school is a bitch im drowning.

-vinsie

Hvers vegna?

Af hverju ekki?

Who?

Hver mun finna okkur á endanum?

Guð? Lúsífer? Brahma? Allah? Jahve? Shiva?

Hver er ég að spyrja hver mun finna mig þegar ég dey?

Hver er ég að deyja?

Hver er ég?

Er ég Guð?

Er ég Lúsifer?

Er ég dauði, lífið?

Er ég anda, tómarúm?

Er ég ég, eða ert þú þú?

Hver er það?

Þarf það að vera einn af þeim?

Ég veit ekki.

Og ég vil það ekki.

Vegna þess að þekking er það eitur sem skýtur spurningunni yfir.

Viskan er sá sjúkdómur sem eyðir heimskum.

Og á endanum munu hinir óvitru lifa af og hinir gáfuðu þjást.

I haven't posted in over a year and for good reason. My parents thought I was talking to a bunch of old guys online and it took me a long time to convince them that I was just writing things for people to see my work.

Then after a while I got back my computer but was still not able to write since they temporarily banned me from using the website. Soon however (not soon I guess since its been a year since I've been on this account) I was able to convince them to let me back on and jeez, I didn't expect to see so much having been changed. The website got many updates and my account gained views and a follower.

All I really want to say is thank you for every person who still, probably reluctantly, follows and wants to read my stories. I know its been a year and most of my work from the past is very cringy and outdated but I hope to hop back into revamping my stories, changing plots and overall, fixing on finishing what I started here.

I'm very excited to continue on this journey called Penana and I hope you all can come with me, even if its so few of you.

Thank you.

Written by FossyJoci

A tear will stream

down my cheek

as watch him fall into eternal sleep

My life as I know it

I cannot tell

what will happen now

as my grandma is left

all on her own

my life as I know it

my grandpa died

from a disease

the cancer in his lunges

made it so he couldn’t breathe

i would like to think

that he went peacefully

My life as I know it

My grandma sobs

my mother too

her sister and her brother brew

All their kids have shed a tear

we buried him today

and then ate away the pain

they parents drank

I felt very drained

All I could do

to numb the pain

was fall into my own decay

I slept half the day away

in and out of naps

I don’t know how to cope

in a healthy type of way

but thankfully I have sports

to focus my brain

so I will have a distraction

I will be ok

and I have my friends

at the end of the day

context:My grandpa died of cancer on Monday of this past week, his viewing was Friday and his Funeral was today on the 27th of April. After the funeral the church provided lunch and after lunch we all went back to my grandparents house where all the parents minus a few drank and the kids played as a teenager I didn’t want to drink so I made my parents get me sparkling grape juice. It has been a very draining past couple of days and now I we are on our way home and I’m gonna go to sleep because I work tomorrow.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful day

make sure to stay positive!

FossyJoci

Context: I recently came across my school notes from 9th grade. Since I have now graduated high school and headed to college in a couple months, I thought I would put this here as a throw back.

PAGE 1

-Mr. Smith thinks politicians get paid too much.

-I vote no more homework for life!

-I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

-It tastes like breakfast.

-Delian League is spelled funny. :|

-Miss Stancel's voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

-We learn mushrooms.

-Mushrooms learn we.

-Miss Stancel threatened to break something with a mushroom.

-The Romans learned about me today.

-The Romans had something about wars. They liked them for somereason.

-Somereason is now officialally one word.

-Officialally. Ha.

- 🦄 unicorn :)

PAGE 2

-Happy birthday to me for no apparent reason.

-Miss Stancel took the skeleton's head off.

-Who actually listens to lecture?

-My hot chocolate is crusty.

-My brother is shaking the room right now.

-My cat is scared of circles.

-I'm so tired I could eat a marshmello.

-ABCDEFG, yup that's all I know.

-Maybe if I act stupid enough they'll send me back to preschool.

-I like glue.

-Yesterday was my best friend's boyfriend's birthday.

-I just failed a history quiz. :]

-We should have nap time in high school.

PAGE 3

-Yay! More notes!

-I haven't written leftie in a while

-But I still want a nap.

-And a cookie

-Yes. A cookie.

-There is a hot guy in my Bible class.

-Let's be honest, how does diagramming help me in life?

-The blue flu is going around my Spanish class.

Hope you enjoyed.🤣