My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 154Please respect copyright.PENANAw5gENurPuX
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"154Please respect copyright.PENANA4tl8yJpNWD
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)154Please respect copyright.PENANAIZwQyYKYe7
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."154Please respect copyright.PENANAgiqPYZRORe
Hmm... 154Please respect copyright.PENANAMgrwHlGL55
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAI39vNkKnUH
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAKQPoB3kEv0
"You can have have all the adult toys."154Please respect copyright.PENANAiMINfArJs4
Except for the pecker enhancer!154Please respect copyright.PENANAW85hYVYgJl
"That's all I need..."154Please respect copyright.PENANAhygyRu1v6m
"Wait!"154Please respect copyright.PENANA0rl7YbNDkT
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?154Please respect copyright.PENANAnHlkAe5po1
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 154Please respect copyright.PENANAD7t745VNEp
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 154Please respect copyright.PENANAcA4SWP1KZ7
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)154Please respect copyright.PENANApmelDzUeyf
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"154Please respect copyright.PENANANwYaT8YDHx
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"154Please respect copyright.PENANAIso1WHeoHv
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!154Please respect copyright.PENANAXikeY06yWF
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?154Please respect copyright.PENANAxQgZR1Fi7Y
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!154Please respect copyright.PENANA6ZZSsNcUO6
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 154Please respect copyright.PENANAl0CMSJx0E0
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...154Please respect copyright.PENANAKf6FYkaAD6
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...154Please respect copyright.PENANAZaqprNxAxo
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you154Please respect copyright.PENANApLx3scCtza
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.154Please respect copyright.PENANAxUpRAsEzCU
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.154Please respect copyright.PENANALJuFjHVduK
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"154Please respect copyright.PENANAGxFF5qPNab
(Sarah laughs)154Please respect copyright.PENANAsT5rBd26Y1
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."154Please respect copyright.PENANA6mZENEUa0u
"Gosh Darn!"154Please respect copyright.PENANA6y3KsbAjeH
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...154Please respect copyright.PENANAqRmQ1yuDJe
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 154Please respect copyright.PENANANhHE2WAKnt
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)154Please respect copyright.PENANAiDxM4J4N0b
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"154Please respect copyright.PENANABsWfYxKZOP
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 154Please respect copyright.PENANAiCnRdXtEzt
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."154Please respect copyright.PENANAJ59aoIPnJW
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAx4mWi2Cxdz
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.154Please respect copyright.PENANA8Ir0oC6bUX
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...154Please respect copyright.PENANADrXuihMo04
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"154Please respect copyright.PENANA0aRzNN2lJH
(Sarah says what)154Please respect copyright.PENANA3EqNy8Ntv9
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."154Please respect copyright.PENANARudtUdlZ2g
(he laughs and Sarah winks)154Please respect copyright.PENANAlSgOUDjsTR
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 154Please respect copyright.PENANAGtcIiPqQNs
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 154Please respect copyright.PENANAk2bSkabzc3
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"154Please respect copyright.PENANAioUWQT3sjE
(Keith laughs hard)154Please respect copyright.PENANALRwxH1XJgb
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"154Please respect copyright.PENANAvgtD4iuR11
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.154Please respect copyright.PENANALpVLWmYPsN
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)154Please respect copyright.PENANAJwbnbJvAPF
Honey,154Please respect copyright.PENANAWBE2SyU80X
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 154Please respect copyright.PENANA1P1jUm8PA8
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?154Please respect copyright.PENANA7p4ri7qBBx
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!154Please respect copyright.PENANAY1qM2HytEw
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)154Please respect copyright.PENANAZQssVTc04T
Keith says,154Please respect copyright.PENANATYy8Whtbj2
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?154Please respect copyright.PENANAD0ddrJfkrw
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."154Please respect copyright.PENANAyOaTYLRbFN
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)154Please respect copyright.PENANAQcpRKlfAnZ
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAnpXsNGGUcE
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"154Please respect copyright.PENANAiI6I78956c
"Ground beef!"154Please respect copyright.PENANAcaFwX1kP3L
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.154Please respect copyright.PENANANHpCJbtP0Z
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 154Please respect copyright.PENANApfYSWT6Rbx
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 154Please respect copyright.PENANA9uUTyK9Ur1
Lawsuits.154Please respect copyright.PENANAlsPzvCY8x4
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.154Please respect copyright.PENANAx6ntRjSoef
Keith's friends knew him as the 154Please respect copyright.PENANAUsKnQpHGLv
Clown Jester of Bakersville.154Please respect copyright.PENANAkut2SYprCP
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 154Please respect copyright.PENANAudfNett7Tv
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"154Please respect copyright.PENANAG6LBFqfMve
Because he was so outstanding in his field!154Please respect copyright.PENANAyxH0A1PETk
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.154Please respect copyright.PENANAuiYDrmQ9bV
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.154Please respect copyright.PENANAAgzRcTZ3AJ
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAdhyB4NUGRb
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.154Please respect copyright.PENANA8m94zaxtoI
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"154Please respect copyright.PENANAeBlcFRjYow
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.154Please respect copyright.PENANAljEeQwHotG
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.154Please respect copyright.PENANAOGvBbCiHY0
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAvG6yKkdGnC
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.154Please respect copyright.PENANAqrZJqpNcZ3
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAsSl2pOucAJ
Having heard them all before, many times.154Please respect copyright.PENANAyn8NGHiK9b
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.154Please respect copyright.PENANAxjzdOSfWJB
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 154Please respect copyright.PENANA3mXbke1jBQ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.154Please respect copyright.PENANA0usnqBdiSC
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 154Please respect copyright.PENANAfnmanNde1b
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.154Please respect copyright.PENANAFuTd0jBavM
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.154Please respect copyright.PENANAesBTKN5FsG
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.154Please respect copyright.PENANA1L0fvY1mjX
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.154Please respect copyright.PENANAvVvJNDcP0t
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.154Please respect copyright.PENANAXEu48kN1MD
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.154Please respect copyright.PENANAa7WLAEIZz0
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.154Please respect copyright.PENANALMGa28gB9s
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.154Please respect copyright.PENANAQEg1tT2jSE
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.154Please respect copyright.PENANAwBjoc9iHP6
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)154Please respect copyright.PENANABSwAnHp3SY
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!154Please respect copyright.PENANALY5Ka5npmg
(audience chuckles)154Please respect copyright.PENANA0eRPbIuAZQ
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."154Please respect copyright.PENANARrNu15bOBF
I haven't heard from him since.154Please respect copyright.PENANAkrdly2srzk
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."154Please respect copyright.PENANA24COaC422H
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.154Please respect copyright.PENANA21NWQF5Pie
(audience laughing)154Please respect copyright.PENANASCUI0b8CAo
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 154Please respect copyright.PENANAHb37SqchGe
She still isn't talking to me.154Please respect copyright.PENANAxqKeE9a3OX
(Keith smiles)154Please respect copyright.PENANA0IxDzeIrV4
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'154Please respect copyright.PENANAPqWlRrb8AW
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 154Please respect copyright.PENANAZRY4sNGgWU
but I am on the fence!154Please respect copyright.PENANAaOAOWvIvwQ
(audience laughing hard)154Please respect copyright.PENANAvZh63dZ9DE
[He gets on a roll]154Please respect copyright.PENANAvY7ANpTfMi
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 154Please respect copyright.PENANAbTG4PamQky
She gave me a hug!154Please respect copyright.PENANAVLpfoM52jz
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."154Please respect copyright.PENANAR8xnlbCuNV
Hey!154Please respect copyright.PENANAgoMcD4ZBSm
What is the worst combination of illnesses?154Please respect copyright.PENANAWvNmzkoGRT
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."154Please respect copyright.PENANAXC9RtokxAM
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"154Please respect copyright.PENANAUVf0ihIibA
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"154Please respect copyright.PENANA1TWo6BHker
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."154Please respect copyright.PENANAz6j6TnIaqX
How do you get a squirrel to like you?154Please respect copyright.PENANAV3Gi8OfdUY
Act like a nut.154Please respect copyright.PENANAllTbkjj5w4
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.154Please respect copyright.PENANA0s8yWQGnRm
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.154Please respect copyright.PENANAc4D4qJM8A2
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.154Please respect copyright.PENANAAd6oDXhh9d
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 154Please respect copyright.PENANA3zXOJZP24M
So I Left.154Please respect copyright.PENANAy3g9PRVrBN
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.154Please respect copyright.PENANAy0TthFY6pa
"The steaks were pretty high!"154Please respect copyright.PENANA5cDo3t5B9A
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."154Please respect copyright.PENANAGSZOZGOL2U
Goodnight!"154Please respect copyright.PENANAzaBLyD7CJs
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)154Please respect copyright.PENANA6SCWc9Nh7M
He went home happier154Please respect copyright.PENANAdLBwpKG4Vg
than he ever
Dreamed!154Please respect copyright.PENANAmE8fMuPuYT
154Please respect copyright.PENANAIc1eUQYqDZ
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.59.155da2