My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 155Please respect copyright.PENANABcFqv55omC
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAxSdULr2Zrs
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)155Please respect copyright.PENANAk4X8x9EWeg
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."155Please respect copyright.PENANAI847LuTyxR
Hmm... 155Please respect copyright.PENANAqgNawwViMN
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 155Please respect copyright.PENANATlCJYmgtXs
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAXXLFWPv1Xd
"You can have have all the adult toys."155Please respect copyright.PENANAYtHRKxz64I
Except for the pecker enhancer!155Please respect copyright.PENANAfDjKnGyABR
"That's all I need..."155Please respect copyright.PENANAJVuqWzdWFk
"Wait!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAME5CJwsME1
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?155Please respect copyright.PENANAzMgrmGHkZl
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 155Please respect copyright.PENANA5MBEjXnWoy
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 155Please respect copyright.PENANAanpSMGcRBN
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)155Please respect copyright.PENANAOs1gCMyEqE
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAeLcV1vsidg
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAMirTmDwqdM
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!155Please respect copyright.PENANA0GpTLTQJrC
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?155Please respect copyright.PENANAoS6mLI5AtM
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!155Please respect copyright.PENANAsdZfBdc8dT
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 155Please respect copyright.PENANANPEUzCxKLH
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...155Please respect copyright.PENANAl5koVnaawQ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...155Please respect copyright.PENANAetutNwhXs0
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you155Please respect copyright.PENANAU6RGM6heUx
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.155Please respect copyright.PENANA5GtTaxydN0
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.155Please respect copyright.PENANASpKZBcpKbO
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"155Please respect copyright.PENANA2fOtQ7fHpR
(Sarah laughs)155Please respect copyright.PENANAazOCicjiGw
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."155Please respect copyright.PENANAEWEQdRzfDp
"Gosh Darn!"155Please respect copyright.PENANA7Z8gAo4S9M
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...155Please respect copyright.PENANATog1l4smsC
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 155Please respect copyright.PENANAtV3koUJuXF
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)155Please respect copyright.PENANAzOJ4nypoQl
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"155Please respect copyright.PENANA8gvxaLLi4E
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 155Please respect copyright.PENANASOdZ54S9oB
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."155Please respect copyright.PENANAl0iyZ74NQU
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 155Please respect copyright.PENANA5NmRWHNukR
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.155Please respect copyright.PENANAI01yq2ByN9
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...155Please respect copyright.PENANAYM1vAV1UFJ
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAl02KhwQgq3
(Sarah says what)155Please respect copyright.PENANAfofycwq8M0
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."155Please respect copyright.PENANA5K6DC2ffxI
(he laughs and Sarah winks)155Please respect copyright.PENANAjdS1CMlbI4
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 155Please respect copyright.PENANAT8u9x56kIi
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 155Please respect copyright.PENANA2j0rqqcGOL
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAPMKzAeD4fd
(Keith laughs hard)155Please respect copyright.PENANANQMA2oH1Ul
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAYSFG0CwjhO
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.155Please respect copyright.PENANAddq5AFji2p
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)155Please respect copyright.PENANA9zazNR30zm
Honey,155Please respect copyright.PENANATkRSVsOZFY
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 155Please respect copyright.PENANAp7NWvhL50k
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?155Please respect copyright.PENANA0QfNyg6Ujj
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!155Please respect copyright.PENANA7UFoc1GF6X
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)155Please respect copyright.PENANA1KpaR7o7uk
Keith says,155Please respect copyright.PENANAgrLqqhEAf0
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?155Please respect copyright.PENANAkTmn4tNrEV
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."155Please respect copyright.PENANA05B8FSJkV8
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)155Please respect copyright.PENANAhzyBJQy2HY
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAeGDC2QbVnw
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAiwaihOBQPh
"Ground beef!"155Please respect copyright.PENANA9Iew4hBALZ
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.155Please respect copyright.PENANA9jvXZT6XGl
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAhzXzrR2Uzm
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 155Please respect copyright.PENANAADkVNzk6YP
Lawsuits.155Please respect copyright.PENANA8N9PUWKpDP
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.155Please respect copyright.PENANAzf9O9tRhul
Keith's friends knew him as the 155Please respect copyright.PENANAs1nCNwo7cz
Clown Jester of Bakersville.155Please respect copyright.PENANA89q9eoYETp
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 155Please respect copyright.PENANA4UA7JKaT24
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAdhsSilDAoj
Because he was so outstanding in his field!155Please respect copyright.PENANAvyxWRHPWHm
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.155Please respect copyright.PENANAFweNUDuqRX
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.155Please respect copyright.PENANAz9QVFh7G9w
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAtcBB46RLox
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.155Please respect copyright.PENANAPhY3XVjzTc
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"155Please respect copyright.PENANAFC1jZpi3Yq
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.155Please respect copyright.PENANAHgBsbqL1yS
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.155Please respect copyright.PENANAZTdVBVyUoy
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 155Please respect copyright.PENANA4bO0vRChru
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.155Please respect copyright.PENANAMuruH6qUmI
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAOdZG5P2qKY
Having heard them all before, many times.155Please respect copyright.PENANAoQ5xOshllo
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.155Please respect copyright.PENANAqLh3Bgkry0
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 155Please respect copyright.PENANA3YrLkDgGT4
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.155Please respect copyright.PENANApoZNcseyG5
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 155Please respect copyright.PENANApuY3eOCgJc
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.155Please respect copyright.PENANAbmpFLtQCXd
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.155Please respect copyright.PENANA19TNIP9pmM
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.155Please respect copyright.PENANAIcoeBicW3g
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.155Please respect copyright.PENANARnleF1Moxw
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.155Please respect copyright.PENANABmc3rP0K1Y
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.155Please respect copyright.PENANAzxeNIjTfiU
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.155Please respect copyright.PENANAwxTD8Wuz2i
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.155Please respect copyright.PENANAJO4IrSbuMS
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.155Please respect copyright.PENANA17nUHIPROW
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)155Please respect copyright.PENANAXJDFJfBlYD
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!155Please respect copyright.PENANABdl82nBL5B
(audience chuckles)155Please respect copyright.PENANApN7AatvHzm
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."155Please respect copyright.PENANAwwHeKAmP5r
I haven't heard from him since.155Please respect copyright.PENANAC2jXR19xjy
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."155Please respect copyright.PENANAYht7SoWnzR
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.155Please respect copyright.PENANAh3YXAvzUjl
(audience laughing)155Please respect copyright.PENANA6J3Hd2NBmP
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 155Please respect copyright.PENANAfIQTgpdFgq
She still isn't talking to me.155Please respect copyright.PENANALJ41YTLrK8
(Keith smiles)155Please respect copyright.PENANAGjt20QKvWC
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'155Please respect copyright.PENANAzf7N11keaf
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 155Please respect copyright.PENANAbJY2nABPgA
but I am on the fence!155Please respect copyright.PENANAnWQXUMhAPa
(audience laughing hard)155Please respect copyright.PENANA7DRrOEJc12
[He gets on a roll]155Please respect copyright.PENANAchEX4DPaW2
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 155Please respect copyright.PENANApgzk57FYCO
She gave me a hug!155Please respect copyright.PENANApr6o5RoA8x
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."155Please respect copyright.PENANAugVa8T4I5P
Hey!155Please respect copyright.PENANA1OOvo4aPKA
What is the worst combination of illnesses?155Please respect copyright.PENANA5kNWNXkFVv
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."155Please respect copyright.PENANAGyBga4YltB
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAlu3BfcYoNk
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"155Please respect copyright.PENANAUWJHsP0EyV
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."155Please respect copyright.PENANAGnnKOO0uBh
How do you get a squirrel to like you?155Please respect copyright.PENANA5q6uGfWqb9
Act like a nut.155Please respect copyright.PENANARu9Y8X383e
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.155Please respect copyright.PENANAunoJ2iyzu4
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.155Please respect copyright.PENANAjLqT6IC6pJ
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.155Please respect copyright.PENANAEHeDceXGCr
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 155Please respect copyright.PENANAwzqewBb2k6
So I Left.155Please respect copyright.PENANAnfIyX8X87Z
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.155Please respect copyright.PENANAqKG7VF4srX
"The steaks were pretty high!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAZxbriT6xic
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."155Please respect copyright.PENANAg1DzttEH4U
Goodnight!"155Please respect copyright.PENANAAufSsKwIdf
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)155Please respect copyright.PENANA87wkUXnqTI
He went home happier155Please respect copyright.PENANAYgpCYKQfYI
than he ever
Dreamed!155Please respect copyright.PENANA6LQ3MNQKvr
155Please respect copyright.PENANAq3c28KYAh8
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.130.219da2