I feel myself wringing my hands in my lap while pretending to focus on the untouched margarita sitting directly in front of me. My leggings are becoming frayed and I decide to mentally pick off the fuzzy bits so that maybe, just maybe, I can relax.155Please respect copyright.PENANA3WFiqTIoKE
It doesn’t work, so I decide to try to count the seeds floating around in my strawberry margarita before I realize how ridiculous I’m being. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAQp5c83AV3v
It’s New Year’s Eve!155Please respect copyright.PENANA3xqmu3RESj
Wynn is emphatic as ever—her arms are outstretched as she explains how big the rat family she saw in the subway was. I decide to focus on her and get out of my own head.155Please respect copyright.PENANABkeB1yfI5m
“I’m talking HUGE. And they were kinda cute! I thought about taking one home, actually. But I didn’t want to break up the family, and c’mon. Who needs four rats?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAnDlWlYdRDq
Our friend group groans in unison and I think that’s my cue. I grab my hefty margarita and stand, opting for the balcony to grab some fresh air and to not think about rat families.155Please respect copyright.PENANAW1RzqjeZvw
“Rozz? Don’t think you’re about to leave us to deal with Wynn’s stories!” Mira shouts as I make my way around the bar. I turn around and shoot her smile and yell back, “I wouldn’t dream of it!”155Please respect copyright.PENANAqtlKD2tyoV
My margarita sloshes in my hand as I expertly navigate through the crowd and fight not to look for you-know-who.155Please respect copyright.PENANAlsKqJvPIiN
Wait. I guess you don’t know. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAQYrGWvfygR
I’m new to this storytelling thing, so be patient with me! He’s kinda the reason I’m so in my own head tonight. I was just expecting things to go so differently and here I am—going into the new year being the same ball of trepidation and anxiety. I want to be different. I want to be bold and confident. Wynn, Mira, all of my friends really, are go-getters. Confidence oozes off of them in vibrant waves while my insecurities feel glued to my skin.155Please respect copyright.PENANAYgmI9titf6
I’m outside before I realize it, my inner dialogue navigating me better than any auto pilot ever could. The railing of the balcony is adorned with fairy lights and I take extra care to lean my elbow in a vacant space before peering over the edge.155Please respect copyright.PENANAZzWnDRomiC
We’re on the 16th floor and I feel like I can see the world’s perimeter from here. Something about being up high on New Year’s Eve night while being romantically depressed feels oddly magical. I feel like if I were to jump, I’d float.155Please respect copyright.PENANAHuxsxjyDqU
God, what the hell am I thinking?155Please respect copyright.PENANAb2R4zDrZLy
I close my eyes and take a giant sip of my drink. Clearly I’m in need. Why did I reschedule my appointment with my therapist? Maybe—155Please respect copyright.PENANAkKQ1SeIPNN
155Please respect copyright.PENANAsyUYsO5LkO
“Rozz, Rozz, Rozz. I’ve found you.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAXzUy2LsbNp
I inhale and keep it there, shutting my eyes even tighter. I’m not ready. God, I’m not ready at all. My anxiety is so deep and palpable that I can see it melting into my skin in layers. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAY6YHtXn9Fg
Why did I come here?155Please respect copyright.PENANAIovSrqNQVz
I’m so pathetic. He’s my light, my lantern. I look to him even knowing he’s way too hot for me to touch and come out unscathed.155Please respect copyright.PENANAzQSkrSH1Zh
I reach for him knowing that my hand will forever be outstretched, waiting for the warmth that only he can bring. I’m nothing more than a moth predestined to a scorching, unremarkable death.155Please respect copyright.PENANASSr9bQALNM
I force the exhale out, plaster on a fake smile and turn around.155Please respect copyright.PENANAzWuD09Qh8H
“So you have! You've been having fun, Ezra?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAtGEPmvB1Zt
My voice comes out unnaturally high pitched and squeaky and I groan inwardly. I’ve got to get myself under control.155Please respect copyright.PENANAYgZAx8DPdX
Ezra leans against the balcony next to me, beer in tow, regarding me with a look I’m pretty unfamiliar with. After demanding eye contact with a gaze that could pierce any barrier, he finally speaks.155Please respect copyright.PENANANjLvI21ore
“You’ve been avoiding me, Rozz.”155Please respect copyright.PENANA6x3XKlHjjp
Fuck.155Please respect copyright.PENANAYdj0x7ATEH
Always to the point, that Ezra. I’d been avoiding the fucker all night and of course he notices. Why does it matter anyway? The rumor mill (my friends) definitely said that Nadia had kissed him and he seemed pretty into it. What else did we have to discuss?155Please respect copyright.PENANAWQE15EG072
We’re just friends, anyway. Always have been. Always will be. I’m the one that messed up and fell in love. I didn’t want this.155Please respect copyright.PENANAXfH0Gyfy6R
My hand finds itself back on my leggings, plucking away.. I watch as his eyes follow the movement. I try to focus on the strawberry flavor of the margarita that’s still on my tongue. It’s my favorite one, I think. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAeQiKZ8sKNs
What do I even say back?155Please respect copyright.PENANAyyVBuYh2fZ
Lie?155Please respect copyright.PENANAon6N0TgEwT
“What? I’d never.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAO2obzVazra
I smile and push the straw out of the way to guzzle my drink. I need the extra fuel. Yum, more strawberries.155Please respect copyright.PENANATtFVW9jojs
Ezra smiles lazily and takes a sip of his beer.155Please respect copyright.PENANAaIUMLlcAZp
“I gotta say. Lying and then chugging your drink doesn’t really sell it. Maybe workshop that for next time.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAn44dxXm7Me
Okay, so lying didn’t work.155Please respect copyright.PENANA5dT7ekAiXc
I almost choke on my drink as laughter erupts from me and I punch him in the shoulder.155Please respect copyright.PENANASmfVH4uAFl
“Here’s a thought. You could’ve just let the lie fly?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAidXQYpOijU
He chuckles and adjusts his glasses before regarding me more seriously once more.155Please respect copyright.PENANAJRzJpkhxr3
“Or you could not lie to me? What’s going on?”155Please respect copyright.PENANARXyu7dTk1n
The way his voice drips with concern for me makes my heart pulse and ache. My eyes focus on his lips for a moment before flickering back up to his eyes. He has no idea how emotionally devastated I am and his genuine concern is making me want to vomit. Or maybe it was the margarita. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAcdZRGRI6G5
I can’t take it.155Please respect copyright.PENANAhlVeIbRTId
My drink now completely empty, I begin to make my way back inside. The sudden movement causes warmth to go to my tummy and fog to my brain. Oh god, I’m buzzed. I can’t be alone with him like this.155Please respect copyright.PENANAhZXvsw4ADX
“Why don’t we get more drinks? Also the countdown will probably–”155Please respect copyright.PENANAfZ5wsApktP
I’m cut off by him wrapping his hand around my forearm and gently pulling me toward him.155Please respect copyright.PENANAoZqZqGZxjn
“We can do the countdown out here.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAUaeNPmO1bo
Oh, he’s definitely been drinking. He’s never been this forward before. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAb7GxlZko0m
I swallow.155Please respect copyright.PENANAjAvl2rIfrF
“Just the two of us?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAYmvEo8ybno
“Is being alone with me suddenly so bad?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAukvBwPAQyW
“How many beers have you had, Ezra?”155Please respect copyright.PENANA37DyIaIkHR
“Why does it matter?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAnLpQOejzUg
I can smell him and I feel my eyes fight to flutter close. Shit.155Please respect copyright.PENANAxaLiYqtsCa
He repositions his hand further down my arm and grabs my hand. I guess he thinks I’m going to make a run for it.155Please respect copyright.PENANAUUiyaWUVDy
“Okay, okay. It doesn’t matter. But since we’re out here, how are you? How have things been with–”155Please respect copyright.PENANA4nnNtWLA1q
“Rozzlyn.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAJhSckGCJ9N
The way he says my name makes my entire body tingle. It was almost a whisper, a secret that wrapped around only us and made me fall even further.155Please respect copyright.PENANAk8Ugctl02t
I lick my lips out of nervousness and watch as his eyes follow my tongue.155Please respect copyright.PENANAQz8tTy4fNx
Jesus Christ.155Please respect copyright.PENANAdhoEYvhDZJ
Why isn’t he looking for Nadia?155Please respect copyright.PENANAjQriqmVeGz
“Ezra, I just..I can’t talk about it with you.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAr6La1OS6Bm
His eyebrows furrow.155Please respect copyright.PENANA1cUhwjYFYc
“Why not? We’ve always talked about everything. Why is this different?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAz7zyR1l8A7
“Because this is about you and it’s my problem to deal with.”155Please respect copyright.PENANADZxiuZmLRr
“What does that mean?”155Please respect copyright.PENANA2GoxfObQmg
“Where’s Nadia?”155Please respect copyright.PENANA45nssRLfdy
I regret it as soon as I ask. I couldn’t help myself. Nadia is a damn scab that I can’t not pick, knowing the wound will only deepen because of it.155Please respect copyright.PENANAvrljakLdAi
Ezra genuinely looks surprised and for some reason, it makes me irritated.155Please respect copyright.PENANABvX4CPe9xv
“What? Why are you asking about Nadia so suddenly? And why would I know?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAhjCfPB6xel
I can’t hide my irritation at this point so I huff and step away from his grasp.155Please respect copyright.PENANAsP6DxwhLs5
“Isn’t she your girlfriend? Or do you just kiss anybody?”155Please respect copyright.PENANAQlaXnkJMoi
I’m becoming uglier and uglier and I hate myself. I feel the warmth of the margarita loosening my lips and at this point, I just want another one. I might as well drown in my desolation.155Please respect copyright.PENANAeDZeHVg8Qv
It’s all I’m worth.155Please respect copyright.PENANAyvyeNe1o0D
I’m spiraling so fast but I encourage it. I feel the familiar black hole of despair starting at my feet to engulf me whole and I close my eyes and prepare to be overtaken. I will never be good enough for Ezra, for anyone. I don’t even like myself. I pretend to be charming, to be bubbly, to be mentally well, just so that no one finds out the truth. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAmnl7Xzo7UH
I’m empty.155Please respect copyright.PENANAZKharDRasZ
The black hole reaches my arms at this point and I smile sadly. I’ll just mentally retreat back into my familiar nothingness. I finally feel at peace about all of this. 155Please respect copyright.PENANAnnB3Hliu6p
Before the black hole gets to my neck, I feel Ezra slowly cradle my face and look at me like he sees me. His thumbs are wiping at my cheeks and I realize I’m crying. He tilts his head and leans his forehead against mine.155Please respect copyright.PENANATz4zCSV5nG
“You stupid, stupid woman.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAzLBVQZJHzy
His lips marry mine and time stops. There is no bar, there is no balcony, there is no Nadia. 155Please respect copyright.PENANA9kAXnstikx
The black hole begins to retreat and my heartbeat is echoing in my ears.155Please respect copyright.PENANA27SKyAtxOb
Is this real?155Please respect copyright.PENANA646nci1AAd
He pulls away but our noses are still touching.155Please respect copyright.PENANArM4sgj7pyD
“You don’t have the right to be jealous, Rozz. I’ve been in love with you for years and now you decide to be jealous of Nadia of all people? She kissed me and I pushed her away. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting just to be seen by you. I notice when you try out a new lotion, when you fixate on a new favorite color, when you’re in a depressive spiral…”155Please respect copyright.PENANAChGtG4mQc6
I’m still too speechless to speak, but I feel my hands warm up with embarrassment. I should really call my therapist…155Please respect copyright.PENANAoO2EMZm8H6
He leans forward and marries our lips again, this time for much longer. I can’t hide my eagerness and I nip, lick and bite at him until he groans. His arms wrap around my sides, tickling the skin under my sweater and I lean further into him. Our tongues take turns exploring the other’s mouth in long, languid, licks.155Please respect copyright.PENANAJwEf4gIoBb
“You’re making me love strawberries, Rozz…” 155Please respect copyright.PENANACOMQzwGr7H
I pull away and bury my face in my hands.155Please respect copyright.PENANA3EjI0Lp04s
“I can’t believe you…feel the same way..”155Please respect copyright.PENANAPPo3PgVpvk
Ezra pulls my hands away and looks at me while chuckling.155Please respect copyright.PENANAPUSUyaks0J
“I felt this way first. I've just been waiting for you to love me back.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAgAM3PexNys
We hear people beginning to countdown and I look at my phone.155Please respect copyright.PENANAw7EhD6oGax
“11:59. I love you back, Ezra. I love you so much, it hurts.”155Please respect copyright.PENANAmj8YTDZk4D
Everyone shouts “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”155Please respect copyright.PENANAkm7jRvfmV4
I wrap my hands around his neck and I promise myself that I will kiss him until I die.155Please respect copyright.PENANApuN9xO0m7s
I’ve never wanted anything more.
155Please respect copyright.PENANA5a1wy282R3